The Thirty Kisses Arc
by Dulin
Summary: A series of 30 ficlets with Heero and Quatre as the main pairing. Answer to the 30 kisses challenge on Livejournal. Detailed ratings and warnings with each fic.
1. You've Got A Date

This is my answer to the 30 kisses challenge on LiveJournal. The main pairing (or absence thereof) throughout all thirty fics will be Heero/Quatre. Ratings and warnings will vary with each fic, and will always be at the top. Ratings go from G to M, and warnings go from fluff to extreme angst, so there's enough for everybody. Finally, The first nineteen fics are one-shots and can be read independently from one another. The remaining eleven are divided into three unrelated mini-arcs.

I want to take some time to profusely thank my dear beta and friend L-sama. While the urge to start this was entirely mine, I don't think I could have finished this without her. She was behind me every step of the way, pushed me when I was blocked, and critiqued each fic thoroughly, battling with me over single words. She helped me all the way through it, and she still does by heling me translate the fics for the French version of the challenge. So for this, I give her my most heartfelt thanks.

**Title **: You've Got a Date  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1+4, mention of 2x? and past 1x?  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #1 – Look over here  
**Rating **: PG-13  
**Warnings **: AU, shounen ai, fluffiness, sap.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

"Whoa, just look at that one ! God, he's yummy!"

Heero sighed as he was once again reminded of why he usually avoided going anywhere for coffee with Duo.

"C'mon, Heero, take a peek," Duo insisted laughingly.

Heero shook his head and sipped his coffee, unmoved by his friend's antics. Duo just couldn't sit somewhere and 'not' look at everyone around. People watching was his favorite hobby. Especially when said people happened to be male and fitted Duo's quite demanding standards.

At first, Heero had thought that finally getting involved in a more serious relationship would get the braided man off his back, but the exact opposite seemed to have happened. Now, instead of ogling everyone and making comments out loud for his own benefit, he was trying to 'get Heero hitched', in his own words.

"Will you quit being a grump, Heero ?" Duo whined a bit exaggeratedly. "How do you expect to meet someone if you act like that, honest ?"

"I don't," Heero answered and Duo huffed.

The braided man's irritation disappeared as he suddenly spotted someone somewhere behind Heero and let out a wolf whistle. This time, Heero was sure the whole town had heard Duo. He tried very hard to pretend that he didn't know the man sitting at his table, but it was obvious no one around was fooled.

"Major cutie attack just behind you to your left," Duo stage-whispered loud enough for all the surrounding tables to hear.

Heero almost choked on his coffee when he noticed someone giving a high-five to Duo, and glared murderously at them, which had the expected effect to have them remember that they needed to be doing something urgent somewhere else.

"C'mon, look over here, sweetie," Duo mumbled, eyes fixed on the guy who currently held his attention as he if he could hypnotize him into looking at their table.

"Won't you drop it, Duo ?" Heero sighed exasperatedly.

"Nope. Believe it or not, buddy, you need a life, and you need to get laid. That bastard dumped you, just get over him !"

"And according to you, the best way to get over him is to get laid?" Heero asked ironically.

"If nothin' else, you'd have some fun," Duo grumbled, pretending to be mad. "Look at him, at least. I swear he's worth you turning your head just a tiny little bit to the left."

Heero rolled his eyes but did turn his head just a tiny little bit to the left. The 'cutie' in question was a slender young man with very light blond hair, wearing an Armani suit that had probably cost more than Heero's annual salary and animatedly talking in a cell phone. Heero had to admit that he _was _cute. Unfortunately, he was also very far out of his league.

As the cutie hung up and began sipping the tea that a waiter had brought him, Heero turned back and shot a dark look at Duo, who didn't seem to notice it.

"So what do you say ? You gonna try something ?"

The look went from dark to incredulous.

"No way ! I'm not making a fool of myself in a public place for your amusement !"

"Oh, calm down, I didn't mean to upset you," Duo said, eyes wide.

And he dropped the subject, turning back to his drink and muttering something about a stick up someone's ass. Heero just stared down at his coffee, before looking up at the blonde again. He gave a start when the young man looked back and shot him a gentle smile before opening a financial magazine. The Japanese blushed and quickly concentrated on his mug and how it was rapidly cooling in his hands and wasn't it a bit too hot today and why the hell had he looked again ?

Duo's voice cut through his reverie.

"Are you checking him out ?"

"I'm not !" Heero protested in a furious whisper.

Duo laughed at him openly.

"You are ! You're checking this guy out ! God, I never believed I'd live to see the day where _you_ would be the one looking out for some hottie, you know !"

"I'm not and shut up !"

Duo managed to get his laughter under control, and came closer to Heero.

"Come on, what's the big deal ? Just go talk to him. If he's not interested, he'll tell you. But from the way he's checking out _your _ass right now, I'd say he's interested."

Heero did not turn around, mostly because he wasn't sure what his reaction should be, and also because deep inside, he would be disappointed if the guy turned out _not_ to be checking his ass at all, and this was something he wasn't prepared to admit in front of Duo.

"Forget it, Duo ! I'm not gonna do it !"

Duo smirked at him and got up.

"Alright, then I'll do it for you."

Heero didn't have time to hold him back. In two strides, Duo was at the blonde's table, engaging him in a conversation that involved many sneaking looks in Heero's direction and even a finger pointed his way. Mortified, Heero just watched them, wondering if he could actually dig a hole in the pavement to hide by the force of his will.

After a short while, the blonde nodded enthusiastically and shot a brilliant smile to Heero, before getting up and leaving. Duo came back to their table and flopped down on his seat with a satisfied grin.

"You've got a date tomorrow night. He's picking you up at 8."


	2. Headlines

**Title **: Headlines  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: D+4, mentions of 1x4x1 and DxR  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #2 – news ; letter  
**Rating **: PG-13  
**Warnings **: Post-EW (around AC 202), mentions of yuri and yaoi, fluff … I guess … I don't know how to qualify this, to be honest.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys and girls belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.  
Dedicated to my Cozz !

**O.O.O.O**

_AC 202, L4 colony cluster_

The vidphone on Quatre's desk rang in spite of the fact that Quatre had given orders that he didn't want to be disturbed. The blond tycoon frowned at the machine, then sighed and almost dropped the report he had been trying to read on his desk. If the phone was ringing, it meant that the person calling had his personal number. And not a lot of people had that number.

He decided to take the call. Some distraction, any distraction would be welcome right now. It was kind of difficult to concentrate on anything when you knew you would be going home to an empty bed for a while.

"Hello ?"

"_Quatre, darling, it's a pleasure to see that you still know how to use that ringing thing on your desk !_"

"Good afternoon to you too, Dorothy," Quatre said with a grin. "It's been a long time."

"_Well, you know, that ringing thing works both ways. You can use yours to make mine ring, occasionally._"

Quatre couldn't help laughing. To his own surprise, he had developed quite a close friendship with Dorothy. Once he had gotten over the 'she ran me through with a sword' phase, he had discovered an intelligent girl who could use sharp words as well as sharp swords. Being Relena's assistant fulfilled her need for action in the high spheres of politics and satisfied her ambitions, at least for the moment. And she and Quatre now loved to engage in fiery, passionate debates over any kind of subject.

"If you expect me to apologize for not calling you every day …"

"_Oh, I most certainly wouldn't dream of it, sweetheart. I was just wondering if you had seen the headlines today._"

Quatre frowned.

"You're calling me to ask if I read the newspaper this morning ?"

"_Why, yes,_" Dorothy answered with a far too innocent look on her face.

Quatre knew that look. He had worn it so many times that he would have recognized it anywhere.

"Well, I did."

"_I'm not talking about the 'L4 Financial Times', Quatre honey. And if that is the only thing you read in the morning, no wonder Heero …_"

"Dorothy," Quatre interrupted firmly. "What do you want ?"

She smiled at him very sweetly.

"_Just open the last issue of 'Famous', sweetie._"

Quatre blinked.

"I don't read '_Famous_', Dorothy."

Quatre had to give her that, she actually managed to look genuinely surprised.

"_Why not ?_" she asked mock-indignantly.

"Because I don't see the point in reading weekly gossip about people I know, especially when I know it's not true," Quatre explained patiently.

"_That's such a petty reason for not reading weekly gossip, Quatre,_" Dorothy laughed. "_Just open it_."

"I just told you I don't read that piece of crap, Dorothy," Quatre insisted, a bit irritated. "And where would I find it anyway ?"

"_It's on your desk, honey. And if it weren't I would trust the fact that you know where normal people buy newspapers, right ?_"

"What do you mean it's on my desk ?" Quatre asked, staring at the vidphone's monitor incredulously.

He rummaged through the papers scattered there until he found a heavy glossy magazine still in its wrapping. And there was his name and address on it.

"Dorothy, what did you do ?" Quatre asked menacingly, almost baring his teeth at the blonde girl.

"_I got you a subscription. Now open it._"

"Why should I ?" Quatre protested, still looking decidedly unhappy.

"_Because if you don't I'll nag you. Plus, I paid two years full in advance for that, and an extra to make sure that issue was delivered to you as soon as it would be printed. Don't I deserve some thanks for that ?_"

"I fail to see the link between you getting me a subscription to '_Famous_' and me thanking you, Dorothy."

"_That's because you haven't opened it yet,_" she answered right away, shooting him a meaningful look.

With a sigh, Quatre gave in and tore the plastic wrapping around the magazine. If Dorothy wanted him to look at something, he knew he wouldn't have any peace until he would have looked at it. It was in those occasions that he understood why his friends were wary of him when he asked something with his sweetest smile and shiny eyes. Sometimes, he was wondering if Dorothy wasn't some sort of karmic revenge for all the times he had used his looks to get his way.

Or, the cover of this week's issue of '_Famous_' was some karmic revenge for something really bad that he had no idea he had done, he thought.

It was a picture of Heero and Relena. They were sitting in a restaurant, looking deep into each other's eyes. Relena had her hand on Heero's, and there was a close-up on the gold band on Heero's ring finger. The headline spelled '_Perfect Romance ?_' in big pinkish letters across the cover. Add to that the small comment just below the close-up that read '_The Yuy-Peacecraft secret match_', and you had the reason why Quatre never bothered to read that kind of thing.

"It's getting worse," he said a bit flatly to Dorothy as he finally looked at her again. "And it's getting a bit old."

"_You don't say. I think it's very amusing._"

"No wonder you do. But honestly, Heero will be pissed when he finds out."

"_I think 'pissed' is quite the understatement, Quatre dear._"

"Yeah, well, you're not the one who has to deal with it, lucky you. Tell me again why he has to volunteer for guard duty every time he hears she's going anywhere that's more than fifty miles away from the Sank Royal Palace ?"

"_Just read the article, honey. It's all in it, their hidden romance, the way that had to conceal their forbidden love from prying eyes … Seriously, if Heero is messing around with my girl, I will be pissed, Quatre. And that's an understatement._"

"If your girl is messing around with my husband, I will be far more than pissed, Dorothy."

They grinned widely at each other.

"_I think it's high time I made an honest woman out of my girlfriend, don't you think, Quatre?_"

"Most definitely," Quatre agreed. "Then the papers can have glossy speculations about our double dates and all."

"_It's going to be great ! You will be my best man, won't you ?_"

Quatre stared at her, mouth gaping.

"Dorothy, are you quite sure that you want _me_ to be your best man ?"

"_I insist._"

She was smiling, a quiet smile that rarely graced her face when Relena was not around.

"Well, if you insist … It's an honor, Dorothy, and I accept."

"_Thanks, it makes it easier, since Relena already asked Heero to be hers_."

"What ?"

"_What did you think they were doing in that restaurant, honey ? Well, I have to go. You give a kiss to Heero from me, okay ?_"

"Same to Relena," Quatre answered a bit dazed, before hanging up.

He shook his head, and his gaze fell on the gaudy cover of the magazine. The picture was grainy, but he traced the outline of Heero's face on it with a finger nonetheless, before rolling the magazine and throwing it in the trash can where the wrapping already was. Then, he picked up his phone again.

"Hello, I'd like to speak to Agent Yuy please … Yes, it's important … Thank you. Heero ? It's Quatre. I just got good news …"


	3. System Disconnected

**Title **: System Disconnected  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1+/x4, 4x0  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #3 – jolt !  
**Rating **: PG  
**Warnings **: Angst-ness, Zero System, New Type-ness, Quatre POV. Pre-final Libra battle. Heavily influenced by my multi-part Zero Four, but can be read independently without a problem. Can also be read as a sort of sequel to #15 – His Eyes.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

"Quatre ?"

If this had been anyone else, I probably would have given a start, but I have felt Heero coming for a while, even though I am not sure of when exactly I became aware of his presence. I don't turn around right away.

/_system disconnected_/  
/_enter login and password to reboot system_/

I wasn't there when Heero asked Howard to install Zero in Sandrock, but locating the extra memory bars isn't that difficult. I don't even think that Heero wanted to hide it from me. He just wanted to be sure I wouldn't back out. He even went as far as programming a password into the system, so that I would be the one making the final decision to activate it.

As if he didn't know I would have to do it anyway, I think with a wry smile. That's jut so him. He doesn't force it upon me, he makes me force it upon myself. I can't possibly be mad at him for that.

/_system disconnected_/  
/_enter login and password to reboot system_/

I ignore the gentle probe and start disconnecting the cables.

"What are you doing ?" Heero asks.

He knows what I'm doing, he just wants to hear me say it. That's one thing that Zero did to us. We know, always. We can't not know. But we have to retain a semblance of actual human interaction, if only to stay sane.

"I'm taking it out," I say, pulling on the last cables and lifting the memory cards out of the mainframe.

/_system disconnected_/  
/_enter login and password to reboot system_/

/quiet/ I answer firmly. /later/

"I don't need it anymore," I say as I finally face him and hold out the cards.

He takes them without a word. He doesn't really want to hear me say it this time, which is ironic given that he took pains to protect me as much as he could, and that it worked.

"Don't worry," I say. "It won't activate without the password. Your alterations worked."

I see some of the tension leave his body and he nods once. Now his only concern will be to get rid of the cards. They are the only copy, and they're redundant now. I actually think even the copy in Wing Zero is redundant now, but getting rid of that one as well would be suspicious.

"Don't worry," I say again as I busy myself with putting everything in its rightful place.

/_standby mode_/  
/_strike any key to access login panel_/


	4. Not a Stranger

**Title **: Not A Stranger  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1x4x1, 4+6, 1+6  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #4 – our distance and that person  
**Rating **: PG  
**Warnings **: Canon-ness, post-EW, angsty, sap. Spoilers for the end of the series.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me. The original version available on LiveJournal contains lyrics from Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day (lyrics removed to conform to the TOS).

**O.O.O.O**

"So that's where you disappeared …"

Zechs turned around, startled. He had stepped out to get a breath of fresh air, and somehow ended up there, in that little secluded corner of the gardens. And he had felt like staying a little longer. It was very nice of Relena to have organized that little gathering to celebrate his return from Mars with Noin, and he had to admit he had been glad to see Une, Sally, Mariemeia, and the other pilots again. It had not been nearly as awkward as he had imagined it. The young boys he remembered had grown into fine young men, his sister was a dashing young politician, … and it made him feel a bit old, he didn't really know why.

Quatre Winner gave him a smile and went to sit down by his side on the stone bench.

"I don't want to go back inside yet," Zechs whispered. "Sorry if you were sent to find me, but…"

"I wasn't," Quatre assured him. "I was just looking for you. I wanted to know if you were okay."

"Why wouldn't I be ? Parties just aren't my … thing, that's all …"

"I understand that," Quatre said with a quiet laugh.

When the taller blond raised a quizzical eyebrow at him, he laughed openly.

"You only have one sister, Zechs. I have twenty-nine, and they all wanted to celebrate when I got home in one piece."

Zechs laughed too. But it was a bit hollow. The truth was, he felt even more estranged from Relena now than he had before. They had missed so much of each other's life that their present relationship was a bit strained. Zechs took a genuine interest in his sister's projects and had told her he would back her up to the best of his abilities, but she didn't have the reflex to come to him first when she had a problem, because she had never learnt to do that. He couldn't blame her for that, of course. But now, all he could do was watch her from a distance and wish her the best.

"Heero was happy to see you," Quatre said softly. "I know it didn't show much, but he truly did miss you, you know. I think you may well be one of the only person who always saw much more in him than he himself did."

"I never realized that Mr. Yuy was actually paying that much attention to me," Zechs said with a little smile.

"Oh, he is. You two have a lot in common, you know. I think you understand each other far better than anyone else."

There was a small silence.

"Sometimes, I wish I could do that for him too. I wish I could be there for him like that. But there are times when I feel that I just can't. You know what I mean ?"

"You two are good for each other," Zechs said.

Quatre's face lightened up.

"I still don't really understand how it happened. Just one day, I opened the door, and he was there. And he never left. There's not a day when I don't feel blessed and honored that he entrusted me with his heart."

Silence fell again. For a moment, Quatre seemed a bit hesitant, something that wasn't often seen on the young tycoon's face. Zechs smiled.

"If you have something to say, just say it."

"It's just … Heero made me realize that he and you were so much alike … but you and I are also."

Zechs frowned.

"What do you mean ?"

"I mean that when Heero found me, after I used Zero and almost killed Trowa and destroyed another colony, he knew that there was something I needed, more than anything else. And he gave it to me."

"What did you need ?" Zechs asked.

"To be forgiven."

Zechs stared at Quatre helplessly. The smaller blond scooted closer, and took Zechs' face in his hands, no longer small little hands, but strong capable hands. Two shades of blue met each other as they looked deep in each other's eyes.

"I can only imagine why you still blame yourself … although I have a pretty good idea of what must be plaguing your nightmares. I went through the exact same thing. But I was fortunate to be given a gift. A gift no one has ever given to you."

Quatre's face came closer, and he kissed Zechs on the lips, very lightly. It only lasted a second, but it was probably the most sincere kiss Zechs had received in his entire life.

"I forgive you, Zechs Merquise," Quatre said in a whisper, and his breath tickled Zechs' cheek.

"And so do I," a slightly nasal voice added.

Zechs almost jumped out of his skin. He looked up to find Heero standing just behind Quatre, and not looking mad at all, like he would have expected a man who caught his lover kissing someone else would be. Quatre looked at Heero too, and got up from the bench, forcing Zechs to stand up too. For a short moment, Heero just gazed at the older man, then he took a step closer and also deposited a feather-like kiss on the stunned blond's lips.

"Just take your time, we'll tell everyone that you'll be right back," Quatre said lightly, catching Heero's hand and beginning to tow him away. "And … thank you", he added before finally disappearing, followed by his lover.

Zechs just sat back on the bench, blinking. His lips were still slightly tingling from the two kisses, so he was reasonably sure that he hadn't dreamt that. The soft words, spoken with tenderness, echoed in his mind.

'I forgive you, Zechs Merquise. Thank you.'

And he was not a stranger anymore.


	5. Shadow

**Title **: Shadow  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 4+1+4, R?1  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #7 – superstar  
**Rating **: R  
**Warnings **: Post- EW, angst, some crude words  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.  
**A/N **: This kiss is dedicated to Cozz and Ame. I love you sweethearts.

**O.O.O.O**

The TV is already on when I walk into Quatre's office.

"Damn, Quatre, your secretary's a pit bull ! You'd think she'd know to let me through that door right away by now !"

Quatre doesn't even look up from the papers he's pretending to read. The guy knows how to work a crowd.

"Maybe she would if you actually bothered to use the door every once in a while, Duo," he says, scribbling his name on the last line and taking the time to rearrange all the papers on his desk before looking at me.

If I was impressionable, I'd be … well, impressed.

As it is, I simply look at my watch.

"When is she on ?" I ask.

Quatre's gaze flickers to the TV and he makes a face.

"In a minute. As soon as the nice lady on the screen is done trying to hypnotize us into buying the shampoo she is having sex with right now."

Did I mention that Quatre's secretary thinks I have a bad influence on him ?

Trowa and Wufei come in just as I open my mouth to ask where they are. They're each carrying two of those awful paper cups that contain what Quatre's secretary calls coffee. As usual, they just nod to say hello. I nod back and take the cup that Wufei holds out to me. Then, we all take the customary first sip, which also happens to be the only one we'll take. The stuff is so strong that it would wake the dead, and we kinda like our dead to stay where they are, thank you very much. We also happen to have to sleep at night, however unpleasant it might be. Usually, we just end up feeding one of the potted plants with it.

The porn shampoo commercial is finally over. The screen goes through its little official mojo, blue background with silvery ESUN logo on it. And finally Relena's on.

I don't really know when we started to get all together to watch her every time she makes a public appearance. It just happened. The four of us just got together one day and switched the TV on and watched. And the next time, we did it again. And the next. And before we knew, it had become our new little ritual.

We're pretty good to holding up the pretense in our lives, all of us. If you look at it objectively, we're a bunch of psychos. And the worst part is that we know it, and that we don't really give a damn. But the fucking perfect world with its fucking perfect peace doesn't give a damn either. Thanks for saving the world, we'll give you a call. Now be on your merry way and try not to make anything go boom. We'd like to forget all about you as soon as possible. Well guess what ? It doesn't work that way.

And for some reason, it doesn't matter anymore when we sit down to watch her. Because if the world doesn't care, she does. Maybe too much, some times. But she was there. She saw it. Not everything, but enough. And she stands up there in the spotlight, and speaks about that peace she wants to believe in. She's got a way with words, too. Every time, I'm almost tempted to believe her. But I don't. None of us do. But we still watch her anyway.

At least most of the time. There's at least one of us who never watches _her_.

It's not that Quatre doesn't care about what she has to say. Hell, he'd probably be able to repeat the speech by heart the moment he switches the TV off and he spends more time on the phone with her than anyone else. I lost count of how many times tabloids claimed that they were secretly married and working to take over the ESUN. As if they actually need to take over the ESUN … It's already in their hands. But Quatre doesn't watch her.

There's always a shadow behind Relena. It's almost invisible, and I don't think anyone but us would notice it. And even then, we only see it because we know that he's there with her. And Quatre's eyes never leave that shadow. He's sitting on the edge of his seat, his eyes are bright, and while he listens to every words she says, he watches him.

I swear if there was a way for him to hump the TV that didn't involve ruining his suit and making a total fool of himself in front of us, he'd do it. Took us time to realize it, too. It didn't take us exactly by surprise, but still …

"When is he comin' back ?" I ask softly.

Quatre tears his eyes from the screen, surprised. He knows we know, of course, but I don't think any of us actually acknowledged it before. Then, he smiles. And … maybe I don't believe in Relena's peace, but I believe in that smile.

"Next week. He's coming back next week."

**O.O.O.O**

The TV is already on when Dorothy knocks on the open door before coming into Relena's office. The Foreign Minister and Head of the Sank Parliamentary Group is trying to read a report that she will sign in a minute. She spends more time watching the screen than the sheets in front of her.

There is a commotion on the screen. Quatre Winner is in the middle of a crowd, microphones shoved under his nose, hundreds of questions fired his way. He is smiling and answering quietly, apparently ignoring the hustle and bustle around him. His bodyguards are doing a good job keeping the most ferocious reporters away from him.

Relena is not watching him. She is watching the shadow behind him.

"When is he coming back ?" Dorothy asks.

Relena sighs and goes back to the report.

"He's not. Not this time."


	6. The Long Day is Over

**Title **: The Long Day is Over  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1x4  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #9 - dash  
**Rating **: PG  
**Warnings **: Canon-ness, post-EW, sap, angst, Quatre's POV  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me. The end theme available in the LiveJournal version and the title of the fic are The Long Day Is Over by Norah Jones. Which is, alas, not me, no matter how much I dream of it (lyrics removed to conform to the TOS).

**O.O.O.O**

Another day passing me by, in a blur of colors, scents, noises. I have to go faster, always faster. There's no time to stop, never. There are so many things I have to do, so many people to see, so many papers to sign, so many phone calls to answer. Always faster. 

I knew that I would be caught the moment I accepted my sisters' request to come back and take my place as the Winner heir. I knew that the workload would be enormous, that I would have to give up any pretense of personal life. I thought I was ready for it. I had absolutely no idea how not ready I was.

Faster, always faster. No time to stop. I'm always moving, always doing something. I go from meeting to meeting, shaking hands, giving out false smiles, making promises, using the power my money gives me so I can try to make things better, even though I know that the only thing that my stock-holders care about is profit.

It feels like if I stop, even for a second, something terrible is going to happen. I don't know what, but it's like a shadow hovering behind me, waiting for me to stumble and fall on the way. If I only falter in my steps, it's going to fall on me and swallow me whole.

Of course I know that one of the reason I work myself to the ground is guilt. But who in my place would not feel guilty ? Who would not try to atone for their mistakes ? Of my fellow pilots, I am the only one who actually destroyed one of those colonies I had sworn to protect. Well, I suppose Zechs did almost destroy Earth, and that shot he fired, even if it landed in a deserted place, will have consequences on the environment for centuries to come.

This night, like all nights, it is almost midnight as I make my way back to the penthouse loft that I am supposed to call home. I rarely spend more than four hours at a time there, and most of those hours are devoted to an uneasy sleep. I even try to solve problems, real or imaginary, in my dreams. When I'm on a trip on another colony or on Earth, I can spend more than a month without coming back here. I didn't choose anything in here, neither the furniture nor the color of the walls. I never cooked in the kitchen, because I always have to be reminded to eat something. I never switched the state-of-the-art flat screen TV. The only two rooms that I occasionally use are the too big bedroom with its too big bed, and the too big bathroom with its too big shower stall and the tub I never used.

I fumble in my pocket to find my key card when I notice something strange. The door is slightly ajar. Someone came in while I was out. Immediately, I drop my suitcase and look for a gun I don't carry anymore. I push the door open, very lightly, adrenaline racing through my veins. In this moment, in my own dark apartment, wondering who dared break into the privacy of what remains a sanctuary, no matter how little time I spend in there, I feel more alive, more aware. A bit like when I was piloting Sandrock. I feel like I can perceive each molecule of the air around me. I feel like I can hear the tiniest sound. And, above all, I feel angry at the person who crashed into my place.

I can't even remember the last time I was actually angry. My blood is pumping through my veins, faster. My heartbeat is faster too, excitement and anger meddling into each other. I scout my place very silently, opening doors to rooms I never use and exploring every inches of them to see if something has been misplaced. I wouldn't even know it if it was the case, but I try nonetheless.

I find the intruder in my bedroom. He isn't even hiding. He's standing near the picture window, a hand pressed against the glass, looking outside. And he dumped a duffel in the middle of my bed.

I would have recognized him anywhere.

"Heero ?" I ask incredulously. "What are you doing here ?"

He turns around, and in the dark, I can't see the expression on his face. I come closer. I am babbling and I know it, but I am so surprised to see him here.

"Not that you're not welcome, but why didn't you call beforehand ? I could have made sure to be home when you would have arrived and …"

In two strides, he's in front of me, and a finger on my mouth silences me. I just stare helplessly up at him. He's a bit taller than me now. It's strange, I don't think he was that tall last time we met.

Then, I probably wouldn't be able to tell you when exactly was the last time we met. Everything is going so fast around me, on some days I wake up and realize months have gone by and I'm still in the same spot, no matter how fast I run.

He's holding me now, his arms around me holding me in place and forcing me not to move. And I am scared. Scared to be so immobile. Scared to be forced in that place that I want to be in and want to escape at the same time.

"Duo called me," he whispers suddenly. "He was very worried about you. He said that you were working too hard and you hadn't called him in months."

He looks at me solemnly.

"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner."

I want to tell him it's not his fault, it's mine, I did that to myself. But I can't. Because, deep inside, I've been waiting for someone to stop my mad run, to make me trip and fall, to shoot me down and put me to rest. Because I am burning down, consuming myself.

"I'm here now," he says, still holding me close.

And I stand in the circle of his arms, not moving. Perfectly still. God, I'm scared. I am going to fall, I know it. I can even feel the ground giving way under my feet, or maybe my legs just can't hold me up right now. But there are strong arms around me, and they are holding me up. Soft lips find my cheek and kiss away the tear of relief that escaped me, without me even noticing.

"It's time to go to sleep, Quatre. You need rest."


	7. One Good Reason

**Title **: One Good Reason  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 4?1, 2/4 friendship  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #10 - 10  
**Rating **: PG  
**Warnings **: Canon-ness continuation (around AC 200), fluff, angstiness  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

"It's a very bad idea," Quatre said as he got up and went to close the door of his Preventer office, shooting a dark resentful look to his best friend. 

"I think it's a brilliant idea," Duo answered, casually sitting on the desk. "You have to stop pining after him and do something, pal."

"And you think that kissing him out of the blue is a good idea ?" Quatre grumbled.

"Yes."

"Well, I don't," the blond young man said, a stubborn expression on his face.

Duo crossed his arms and sighed, shaking his head.

"Quatre, you know I won't stop pestering you until you give in ! Do you realize how distracted you've been lately ? Keep up like that and Une won't let you go on the field anymore ! You'll stay here and be a paper pusher, which is exactly what you didn't want to be when you left all the corporate stuff behind !"

"Duo …" Quatre started, but the American interrupted him.

"One good reason, Quatre. Give me just one good reason for not wanting to do it, and I promise I'll never speak of it again. You know me. A promise is a promise. One good reason, and I stop bothering you with that."

Quatre blinked at his friend, and Duo smiled gently.

"Go on," he said. "Convince me. I'm all ears. Why is it a bad idea ?"

"Because !" Quatre snapped.

Duo raised an eyebrow in surprise at the childish retort, but at the same time Quatre looked away, obviously embarrassed.

"That was lame, Quatre."

"Oh, don't rub it in," Quatre answered irritably. "I just … I can't do that !"

"What, you've never kissed anyone before ?"

"Duo !" Quatre said, his cheeks flaming red. "That's not the point."

"Well, then, if you know how, where is the problem exactly ?"

"The problem is it's Heero we're talking about !"

Duo looked up and tapped his chin as if trying to remember something.

"Heero, Heero … Oh yeah! About that high, dark hair, blue eyes, and a killer body ? That Heero ?"

"Duo, you're not helping," Quatre said through gritted teeth.

"Yes, I am. You'll thank me later."

The blond was now pacing and avoiding Duo's gaze.

"What would my family say if they heard about it ?" he said nervously.

"Like you care," Duo snorted. "You didn't really ask their opinion when you left home to fight, did ya ? So why should you ask now ?"

"He's going to kill me !" Quatre argued.

"Oh, please ! Aren't we being a little over-dramatic here ?"

Quatre seemed at a loss what to say.

"He's going to see me coming and he'll know !"

"Quatre, calm down and think, for Heaven's sake ! Heero would see _that _coming ? He probably wouldn't see it coming if you danced on his desk naked ! He'd just tell you not to make so much noise and to move so he can work !"

Quatre's cheeks were red again, probably because of Duo mentioning him dancing naked on Heero's desk. Actually, blushing wasn't very pretty on him, Duo noticed. The color was violent against his very pale skin, like a bruise just after a blow.

"I'm going to look like an idiot. I can't do that here !"

Duo fought the urge to go bang his head on the wall. Or Quatre's head, which probably needed it more.

"Quatre, you've got something on your shoulders that contains an extraordinary organ called a brain. Usually, you know how to use it. Who asked you to do that here, dumbhead !"

The blush darkened a bit.

"But … what if … I mean what if I kiss him and he doesn't like it ? What if I end up giving him that kind of sloppy wet kiss everyone hates and …"

"Wanna practice ?" Duo cut in, smirking. "That's what friends are for. I'll help you."

"I don't think that'll be necessary," Quatre protested.

Duo could hear the gears turning in his friend's head as he tried to find something else to say. It wasn't really like Quatre to agonize so much over things. Quatre was someone practical, very down to earth. He saw problems, analyzed them and solved them, easy as a pie. If there were difficulties, he found a way to get around them.

"You want him, Quatre," Duo said quietly. "You want him very much. The truth is, you don't know how he would react if you kissed him. You don't want to get into something when you don't have all the parameters to calculate the outcome, but … it doesn't work that way."

Quatre remained silent for a moment.

"I didn't mean for this to happen," he whispered.

"Well, people don't usually plan that kind of things, y'know ?" Duo said

"He probably has someone already," Quatre said dejectedly.

If Duo had believed in any god he would have been on his knees singing praise.

"He doesn't."

"What ? Wait … How do you know ?" Quatre asked in a suspicious voice.

"Trust me on this, he doesn't."

Quatre frowned.

"You know something."

"Maybe."

"But you won't tell me ? Duo, please !"

"Nope. I don't give tips to chickens."

"Duo ! What about Relena ?"

Duo slapped his hand on his face in desperation.

"Quatre, you know as well as I do that they're just good friends."

"I thought …"

"You thought wrong."

"Oh."

The silence stretched again, Duo doing his best to look at Quatre in the eyes, and Quatre doing his best not to look at Duo. When Quatre raised his head again, he looked confused and now unable to come up with anything else.

"So ? You haven't convinced me yet," Duo said. "Why do you think kissing him is such a bad idea to make him understand your feelings ?"

"I want to live ?" Quatre said miserably.

Duo smiled and patted his friend's shoulder.

"Come on, I'm treating you to lunch, we'll talk the details over."


	8. Goodbye, Mother

**Title **: Goodbye, Mother  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1x4  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #11 – gardenia  
**Rating **: R  
**Warnings **: Canon-ness, post-EW, angstness, mentioned death, Quatre's POV  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me. The original version available on LiveJournal has quoted lyrics from Let It Be by the Beatles. Which are not me either, or I should know (lyrics removed to conform to the TOS).

**O.O.O.O**

I walk carefully between the graves, clutching the flowers to my chest. Their scent is so sweet that it's almost sickening. I even catch myself wondering if that is what death smells like. Which is stupid, I've been around death enough times to know that. But there is like an unspoken promise of decay in that smell, of an end coming soon.

I don't turn around as I reach my destination. This moment is for me alone, and he knows it. He came with me because he knows I will need him afterwards, but he's leaving my ghosts to me. Like I'm leaving his ghosts to him.

There are twin slabs where I remember only one. I know the second grave is empty, there was nothing left of my father to bury after all. But the stone bearing his name is here. I don't know which of my sisters decided to have it erected, I never asked.

I sit down on the grass. The very existence of this graveyard, private or not, is a heresy on a colony. We barely have enough space, air and resources to accommodate the living, so you would think we wouldn't waste it all on the dead. But it was a family tradition for us to have our people buried near their house. And since our house has been here on that colony for almost a century, this is where my parents are.

"Hello, Mother," I say weakly, my fingers tracing the familiar characters engraved on the stone. I gingerly put the white, heavily perfumed flowers down on the grave.

"I'm sorry not to have come sooner," I keep on. "There have been many things going on, you know. A war. Two, even."

I swallow, a bit choked by the scent of the flowers.

"I brought you your favorite flowers, Mother. I remember Father saying you loved gardenias. You had some in you hair on your wedding picture, and they looked great on you. I … well, I am not really sure I do like them, but I wanted to give you something that you would love."

This time, I look behind. Heero is standing under a tree at the entrance of the grounds. He's not looking my way, he's leaning on the tree with his hands in his pockets. Just waiting. Waiting for me.

"I don't know if I will be back here soon, Mother. I … I have met someone, you see. I don't think you would approve of him. Yes, it's a 'him', I hope you're not too shocked, but … he's different, Mother. When he looks at me, he really sees me. And this is what I want for myself. That, and there are too many painful memories in that house for me. So I'm leaving."

I let a small silence stretch. My stomach feels all queasy, somehow. Maybe I should have had something to eat.

"I will miss you," I whisper. "I really do, every minute of the day, I miss you."

I shoot a look at the other slab, the one bearing my father's name.

"And I miss you too," I add. "But I simply can't go on like that. I need to go. I hope to find the strength to come back and see you, one day."

I kiss my fingers, then touch my father's slab. Then I do the same with my mother's slab. That one actually bears a trace in the middle from the many times I've done that before. The only kisses I ever could give to my mother, through that cold marble stone.

"Goodbye, Mother."

As I stand up, I feel a cold wind embrace me, and I can't help the tear rolling down my cheek. I leave without looking back, the only trace of my presence being the lovely white flowers who exhale their perfume into the air.


	9. More Than Money or Gold

**Title **: More Than Money or Gold  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1x4x1  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #13 – excessive chain  
**Rating **: PG  
**Warnings **: Canon-ness, extreme fluffiness, sap  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.  
**Note **: I decided, on purpose, to take the theme extra-literally. You'll see what I mean.

**O.O.O.O**

"You don't like it," Heero said in a flat voice.

A bit panicked, Quatre looked up from the jewel case and the … thing … that was inside.

"It's not that, Heero, it's just … I mean it is … quite … big …"

'Big' was actually a gross understatement. The only time Quatre had ever seen chain bracelets that big had been in a bad movies with even worse actors impersonating Mafiosi.

"It must have cost a lot, too …" Quatre kept on, unable to find something to say that wouldn't make Heero angry or sad.

Heero did not make puppy eyes, because puppy eyes and Heero were not things you associated in the same sentence if you didn't want to end up with the wrong end of an Uzi between your eyes, but it was damn close. Which meant Quatre couldn't help melting.

"Just say it if you don't like it," Heero said in a small voice that barely managed to keep all traces of emotion hidden.

The way he reacted every time he imagined he had disappointed Quatre. The blond young man carefully put the jewel case and the huge gold chain bracelet on the table and took Heero's hands in his.

"It's not that I don't like it …"

Heero raised a sarcastic eyebrow, and Quatre reddened a bit, looking away.

"Alright, if you want me to be completely honest with you, I find it hideous …" he said. "But that's not the point. The point is that you wanted to offer me a gift, and I am very touched by this, Heero."

"I really wanted to find something you would like," Heero said, looking a bit disappointed. "I thought … well, I don't know what I thought. This was a stupid idea."

The Japanese man was about to get up and go away, Quatre could feel it. So he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Heero's lips, which was enough to make him at least consider before he would leave.

"Heero, please, just let me finish. It doesn't matter that this … thing … is the ugliest I've seen in my life. It's something that comes from you. Something that you took trouble to find, just for me, so that's enough to make it beautiful to me."

Quatre smiled, putting his hand on Heero's chest, on his heart.

"Besides, you already gave me the most valuable of treasures when you gave me this," he added. "And that, Heero, is worth far more than money or gold to me, and if I lost it I would become the poorest man in the universe."

Heero smiled a timid smile, and Quatre kissed him again, taking the enormous chain bracelet and putting it on his wrist. He guessed he could always exchange it for something else later, and have Heero choose with him so that his lover wouldn't repeat that kind of blunder.


	10. From Singapore, With Love

**Title **: From Singapore, With Love  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 4+1 ?  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #14 – radio-cassette player  
**Rating **: PG  
**Warnings **: angstiness, extension on canon, spoilers and dialogues from around episode 17 to 20. Call it a missing scene, if you will.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

_AC 195, Singapore Space Port Base_

Sandrock exploded in a ball of white light.

Quatre's mind was on automatic, his fingers going through the routine take-off checks mechanically. The very act of breathing hurt, and his vision was getting blurred. Mild concussion from the blow to the head, and he had probably cracked or broken a rib or two on his harness before Wufei had arrived. Blood was still oozing from the wound on his forehead, and he tried to wipe it away, only to bang his hand on his helmet. The sudden movement made him give a start, and he hissed as it triggered shooting pain in his ribcage.

At least, they'd gotten the message, all of them. They were going home.

**O.O.O.O**

He managed to switch off the thrusters after leaving the atmosphere.

He couldn't pilot a shuttle while drifting in and out of consciousness. It would be a waste of fuel, and would divert energy from the shuttle's life control system. He couldn't activate the autopilot either, because he had no actual idea of his current whereabouts and no particular destination in mind. Letting the shuttle drift until it would be caught in the orbit of a larger space object was a risk, but it was a calculated risk. Statistically, he was more likely to run into a colony or a mining satellite than into Barge or an uninhabited piece of rock. He could always use the energy he would save to get away if he ended up in enemy territory.

He was actually surprised not to have been attacked already. They hadn't been particularly discreet, after all. They'd wanted to be noticed. They _had_ been noticed. The Singapore Base wasn't a military space port _per se_ and was only guarded by ground troops in standard Leo suits, but Barge had the new Taurus mobile dolls.

'They should have retaliated by now … if they haven't, it can only mean one thing : either they don't see us as a threat, and that's not even plausible, or something happened and they don't know where we are …'

And that could work in their favor. While Quatre had done everything in his power to make sure their flight to space was a coordinated action, they still lacked a plan. They hadn't properly regrouped yet, and the need to lay low for a while would prevent them from doing so in the foreseeable future. Still … there had to be a way to get the message across to them, and to do it without revealing his location in case OZ was monitoring the airwaves.

His fingers started to move on the keyboard, typing the familiar sequence that gave him remote access to his Gundam's com system …

And then he remembered that he didn't have a Gundam anymore.

"Damn it !"

Tears of pain and frustration prickled his eyes, but he refused to let them out just yet. He just tried to focus on breathing calmly. There _had _to be a way for him to contact the others …

**O.O.O.O**

_OZ Space Fortress Barge_

"What is it, Nichol ?"

"_I intercepted an Alliance transmission and found out they're planning to team up with a Gundam pilot, colonel._"

"Those imbeciles ! Go ahead and wipe the lot of them out !"

"_Yes ma'am !_"

The scientists weren't too fazed by Colonel Une's apparent dismissal of them. It was because of the way top brass like her acted that they'd left the Alliance and built the Gundams. If they were stupid enough to do it again, then it only went to show that J and his colleagues had been right all along and that mankind never really did learn from the mistakes of the past.

"_Alliance's main force demolished ! We move on to seize the shuttle !_"

"Seize ?" Colonel Une sneered, staring at J right in the eyes. "What's the point of that ? We've got no need for a Gundam pilot without his Gundam. Get rid of him !"

"_Roger !_"

She had planned it, of course, and she knew that they knew. But even then, J couldn't let one of _them_ die. Not like that.

"Wait ! Hand me the communication system !"

Colonel Une raised her eyebrows, as if surprised by such a fast surrender, but complied with a gracious smile.

"Okay, sure."

The static on the line was a tell-tale sign of a remote-controlled transmission, but the voice that came out of the Taurus' speaker wasn't the one J was expecting.

"… _This is Quatre. Quatre speaking. My good friends who have returned to Outer Space … Together, let us do our very best to protect the space colonies …_"

'He's using Heero's frequency … He's an outstanding soldier ! He has the ability to bring the five Gundam pilots together !'

Colonel Une was outright smiling now.

"I suppose we have an understanding," she said.

**O.O.O.O**

_Colony C-1102 _

"Where's your Gundam ?"

Heero shrugged.

"I left it on Earth. I figured it'd stick out too much in space and I'd end up getting caught, just like you did."

"Well, excuse me !" Duo huffed. "How do you intend to get us out of here then ?"

"I came here to kill you. I didn't plan for an escape."

"Great," Duo groaned. "Just great. I suppose you didn't get Quatre's message either, then ?"

Hero's quizzical look was answer enough, and Duo smiled.

"Thought so. He used your frequency to transmit it, so I thought you'd be the first to know, but if you left the Wing on Earth …"

"Why didn't he use his own frequency ?" Heero asked abruptly.

"He self-detonated in Singapore. You can't even begin to imagine how glad I was to hear his voice, man. I managed to hide my portable com before they took me. It's all recorded on it. And don't look at me like that," he added when Heero glared. "It's the only thing that's recorded on it, okay ? I don't keep logs on my portable com, and I wiped out my logs anyway. No need to keep them now that we don't have anyone sending missions, right ?"

"… Right."


	11. His Eyes

**Title **: His Eyes  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 4x1  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #15 – perfect blue  
**Rating **: R  
**Warnings **: Angsty but just a bit, spoiler for around episode forty, Heero POV.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

"You're really gonna pilot that monstrosity ? You're nuts, man, I hope you know it."

I suppose I should be offended by Duo's statement on my mental health, but I unfortunately have to agree with him. I am probably nuts. I don't think I care very much. I don't think he cares very much either, actually. He's only saying it because it helps to be reminded of the fact every once in a while.

"I'm not asking you to pilot it and I can control it," I answer.

"I know what this thing does to people … it's not safe."

Maybe he cares a little.

"No, it's not," I agree. "But what choice do we have ? Without it, we're dead."

"You ask my opinion, we're gonna be dead even with it. But, hey, that's your shot after all."

He falls silent and looks up at Zero's 'face'. I don't know what he's thinking about, but I'm sure it's not very different from what I'm thinking about.

We need a rallying point.

"Hey, have you ever noticed that they're not blue ? Quatre's eyes, I mean …"

I blink at Duo, unbalanced by the abrupt change of subject, and the seeming incongruity of the question.

"What ?"

"You know, the first thing that I thought when I saw Quatre for the first time was that he was the poster boy for the rich, educated, well-behaved and healthy … polite smile, straight back, impeccable manners, blond hair, blue eyes, he's got it all, like a pretty doll …"

Except that his eyes are no blue. Not when you really look at them.

Curiously, I don't think many people will ever try to really look at Quatre in the eyes. You never really know what you will see when you look into Quatre's eyes.

His eyes are not blue. His skin looks soft, but it bears a lot of carefully hidden scars and his hands are callused from the controls of the Gundam. His smile is genuine even when he's calculating the best way to defeat both Treize and Zechs. His clear and quiet voice that leads us in battle becomes rough, his mouth insistent under mine.

"The guy's deception personified," Duo says. "And you gotta give him that, he's good."

I give him a sidelong glance and he bursts out laughing.

"Don't look at me like that ! You know what I mean."

I nod once.

"I know. Thanks."

It's less difficult to take the decision to copy Zero's operating system into Sandrock after this.


	12. Wash the Blood off my Hands

**Title **: Wash the Blood off my Hands  
**Author **: Dùlin**  
Pairing** : 1x4  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing**  
Theme** : #19 – red**  
Rating** : PG –13**  
Warnings** : Canon-ness, post-EW, angst, dark, Heero POV**  
Disclaimer** : Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me. 

**O.O.O.O**

I wake up in a jolt, startled from a bad dream by some imperceptible noise that no one else but I would be able to hear. And, as usual, when I hold out my hand to touch the other side of the bed, he's not here.

I sigh. I can hear the water running in the bathroom, and his light muttering above it. I see the light under the door. He's trying again.

I get up, and walk to the bathroom door. I knock, as usual. As usual, he doesn't answer, like he didn't even hear. In fact, I'm pretty sure he never hears me knocking. So I just come in.

He's standing in front of the washbasin. Water is flowing from the faucet. And he's washing his hands. Again, and again, and again.

I don't know why, every time, I stare at him with that kind of morbid fascination. I stare at his hands drowned in water, I watch him scratch them raw as he mutters nonsense under his breath. I watch him and he does not see me.

I guess maybe it's because I didn't expect that. I mean, I was the fucked-up one during the war. Human weapon and all that. I was the one everyone thought would snap. I was the one who was supposed to end like that. Only I didn't. Because whatever people say about me saving the world and having a great heart, I'm just not good enough to cry over my dead. Especially not the people I killed. The only time I cried for someone I killed, it ended bad for me. Better to let the dead stay dead.

It happened so quickly. He just … suddenly faded away. He would claim he heard them speaking to him. He would have nightmares. He would do stuff and not remember it afterwards. And then, he began to get up at night to wash his hands.

"It's not coming off," I hear him wail, and he scratches harder.

If he keeps on, he's gonna hurt himself. Well, I am pretty sure his hands must already hurt like a bitch, but it looks like he's not even feeling the physical pain. Strange coming from an empath, but he hardly has a conscience of his own body now.

I come closer and catch one of his hands. He looks up at me, and like every night, my heart is torn by the look of utter despair in his green-blue eyes. The terror on his face.

"It's not coming off, Heero … I tried to wash it, I did … but it's still there, the blood on my hands … it won't come off …"

"You don't have blood on your hands, Quatre," I say soothingly, already knowing what he's going to answer.

"Of course I do ! My hands … they're drenched in blood, and it won't come off !"

He's trying to get his hands back to put them under the water again, but I won't let him. I just catch his other hand, and turn the faucet off.

"There's no blood anymore, Quatre. It's gone. I swear."

"No, it's not," I feel more than hear him whisper. "All the red … it's around me all the time … it's going to swallow me whole."

He looks at his hands, and shivers. I hold them in mine, and I kiss them, one after the other. I've always loved his hands. They're more suited for playing his violin than piloting a deadly machine like a gundam. But now he hardly touches the violin anymore.

"Blood everywhere … there's blood everywhere … the blood I shed …"

I gather him in my arms, holding him close against my chest and I wait patiently, until he starts to cry. It's the same ritual every night, and I'm never really sure he remembers it in the morning. I find him scratching his hands raw, I hold him back, he speaks about the blood, then I take him in my arms and he cries. And only after that does he accept to follow me back to our bed.

I switch the light off as we leave the bathroom, and tuck him in again. He's looking at me, and his eyes are still so scared.

"Make the blood go away, Heero … please ? Make it go away …"

I smile bitterly.

"Shh, just go to sleep now. It's okay, I'm here."

He snuggles against me, and I listen as he finally falls asleep. Then, I get up again. I go to the bathroom, close the door behind me, and switch the light on. I walk to the washbasin and turn the water on. And I watch my hands as I put them under the water.

"It won't come off my hands, either, Quatre …"


	13. I Know, Heero

**Title **: I Know, Heero  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1x4x1, mention of past R+1  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #21 – plunder  
**Rating **: PG-13  
**Warnings **: Canon-ness, post-EW, romance, sap, humor, Relena POV  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

Swirling the champagne that I will probably not drink, I absentmindedly listen to another someone who is yet again praising me for my youth and my successful career, in that order. Believe it or not, after more than six years of hearing that at every single function, party, gala grand opening and television show that my position as Foreign Minister made me attend, it gets boring.

Not to mention that I always get credited for something that was not my doing. I do not care what everyone else says, I did not single-handedly bring peace to the Earth Sphere and the colonies, and I am far from being God's gift to this Earth.

I have wished for my birthday to be kept a small, family thing. But apparently, my short time as Queen of the World left a deeper impression on people's mind that even I would ever have thought, and it seems that the day I came into the world needs to be a national holiday in Sanc. Trying to go against it would only make me look snobbish and arrogant, so I comply. The people of Sanc were disappointed enough when neither Milliardo nor I accepted the crown. To be perfectly honest, they did not offer it to Milliardo, but he would not have wanted it anyway. He made his choice a long time ago, and now he is Zechs Merquise, just like I am Relena Darlian.

Duo is the first of them to arrive, and he saves me from the obnoxious flatterer. He plants a big kiss on my cheek and wishes me a happy birthday, ending his sentence with a circular look and grimace that makes me laugh. I only invited ten persons myself – the five pilots, Milliardo, Sally, Lucrezia, Une and Mariemeia. The other one hundred and ninety is not my doing, but that of Dorothy's. I give her all the freedom she wants for the organization of such things. I certainly cannot be bothered by setting it all up, even if I will try to be polite to everyone. And I have yet to find someone whose organizing abilities are better than hers.

"Don't worry," Duo stage-whispers as he puts an arm around my waist and drags me away from the main crowd. "The guys and I will throw you a real party tomorrow."

"I am looking forward to it," I answer happily, and I correct myself mentally. When it comes to organizing small informal reunions of friends, Dorothy has to surrender to Duo's genius. "Where are the others ?" I add.

"Tro and Wu are not far behind, and the two lovebirds …"

"Do you think they intend to put on a show just for my benefit again this year ?" I interrupt.

He laughs.

"I don't know, gorgeous."

There's a small silence.

"He knows that I know, doesn't he ?"

Duo raises an eyebrow and I laugh.

"I am not blind."

"Well it depends which 'he' you're talking about, but if you're thinkin' about the same one I'm thinkin' about, then, yes, he knows, and he's not blind either. He just promised that he would let him tell you."

"This is really kind of them two," I say softly, and I mean it. Even if Duo and I had a blast watching them pretending they were nothing more than close friends for the last two years.

Trowa and Wufei eventually join us, and we chat amicably for a while, making plans for tomorrow.

**O.O.O.O**

They arrive separately, as usual.

Quatre is the first to come my way, with a smile on his face, and looking just like the Golden Boy the media turned him into. He is stopped by many people on his way to our little group, and has a kind word and a smile for everyone, with that exquisite politeness that explains why most people fawn over the Winners. And with all that, he manages to cross the hall in less than five minutes.

"Happy Birthday, Relena," he says, and he gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, too.

"Thank you, Quatre."

I am a good little girl, and I do not ask where Heero is. But I cannot resist the urge to wink at Quatre with a malicious smile. He just laughs, and greets the others, hugging them like he hugged me. I think Quatre may be the only person to have ever hugged Wufei without Wufei screaming murder.

Heero comes to find us soon after that. As usual, his greeting to his friends is a look and a nod. He wishes me a happy birthday, and I ask him if he brought me a card. He smiles a bit shyly and shakes his head, which makes us all laugh.

"And he forgot the teddy, too !" Duo jokes.

I can feel Heero's nervousness from a mile around. He is uncomfortable, far too tense even for someone who does not like big reunions. He is shooting surreptitious glances my way, and after a while, I just have to do something for him.

"Quatre, why don't you all go greet Une and Mariemeia ? That girl has been talking about you all month, she was very eager to see you this week. She would be most disappointed if you did not go see her."

"And we would not want to disappoint a lady, now would we ?" Quatre says, catching the hint. "Heero, you don't mind staying with our host, do you ?"

I smile my thank you to Quatre as he leads his friends away, leaving us two alone. I turn to Heero. He still looks nervous. I am beginning to wonder if I actually was that bad if he is afraid of my reaction to him being involved with someone who is so obviously good for him.

"How about getting some fresh air ?" I whisper. "It is just too hot in here, and I have no wish to spend the night batting my eyelashes at old senators. There is a nice open balcony over there."

He agrees, his gaze automatically scanning the room to see if anyone is watching us leave, but I cut it short by simply dragging him out with me. Once on the balcony, I take a deep breath, and savor the wind on my skin. Tomorrow will never come fast enough.

"Relena, I … I have something to tell you …"

I look at him. He is fidgeting and looking down, as if I am some kind of dangerous mechanism that he is not sure how to defuse. And when I think back on how much restraint he showed all the time I was being a pain and following him around like a lovesick puppy, I cannot just leave him like that. It clearly made him unhappy to hide this from me.

"I know, Heero," I say softly.

He looks up abruptly, eyes wide.

"How …"

I smile tenderly as I see his dumbfounded expression.

"Oh, Heero, it was so obvious ! You were radiating happiness lately, how could I have not noticed ?"

I swear he blushes when he hears that. I actually lived to see the day when Heero Yuy blushed.

"I am just a little sad that you felt you could not tell me right away. Maybe I have been less of a good friend than I thought, and I am sorry if that is the case."

"No, it's not that …"

"Do I look that much like a Rottweiler, then ?" I asked jokingly.

"No, of course not ! … I …"

I come closer and put a finger on his mouth, silencing him, and then I take him in my arms and give him the most sincere hug I have ever given him.

"I know. I know why you were scared. But he did not steal you from me. You were never mine to begin with, and I told you that a long time ago. I was a terribly naive and sheltered person when you met me. But I am not that person anymore. And … you have changed too, and you are an awesome person now, and I am proud to have you as my friend, Heero Yuy."

He hugs me back. A strong, warm, friendly embrace, and in that moment he doesn't need to tell me that he values my friendship too, because I know. After a while I release my hold on him and kiss him on the forehead, a bit like my mother used to do to me when I was a child.

"Now, go be with him."

He frowns, as if he doesn't understand what I am saying.

"Go on, shoo !" I say as I lead him back toward the hall. "Look, he is waiting for you !"

I smile and wave at Quatre, who waves back. Then he shoots a look at Heero, and Heero answers with a nod.

"You will be alright ?" Heero asks me.

I smile, and kiss him again, on the cheek this time.

"Yes. If you are happy, then I am happy for you. And … I have to go talk to a lot of other important and boring people, since those two qualities apparently must coexist in any person that is over fifty and holds a great position in any administration."

Before he can protest, I push him back into the hall, and he is forced to walk back in so as not to make a dramatic entrance through the drapes that everyone would notice. I watch him join the other pilots, and Duo pats his shoulder and gives me a high five. When I turn back to face the night, I have a feeling that I really did the right thing, and in my frustrating everyday job, this is not that common an occurrence. I decide to stay here a bit and savor it before going back to be polite and smile to people I barely know.

And I almost jump five feet in the air when I realize I am still not alone on the balcony. Sometimes, I hate the fact that my brother, in spite of his height and his quite imposing stature, can be as silent as a cat.

"Milliardo ! Are you trying to give me a heart attack ?"

"I wouldn't dream of it, and didn't we agree that I shouldn't be called that anymore ?"

I look up at him, face serious.

"Does it bother you very much ?" I ask. "I will stop if it does."

He looks away at the night sky and sighs wistfully.

"No," he finally says. "It doesn't bother me as long as it's you saying it."

We stay silent for a moment. Then, he puts a hand on my shoulder, and looks into the hall.

"Does it bother you very much ?" he asks.

I almost burst out laughing. He is actually concerned about me.

"No, it does not bother me at all," I answer happily. "Why do you ask ? If someone could see just how much of an idiot I used to be, it must be you."

"Well, you are my little sister, aren't you ? I am far less worried about Winner. He's got twenty-eight sisters to do the elder sibling speech after all."


	14. Kiss It and Make It Better

**Title **: Kiss It and Make It Better  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1+4, bit of 1+R and 4+R  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #22 – cradle  
**Rating **: G  
**Warnings **: AU, chibis, cuteness, fluffiness  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

"Stop it ! Give it back !" 

_Beeeep … Game over_

Little Heero frowned and looked up from the video game he had been playing at, angry at the person who had shouted and startled him and prevented him from beating the giant squid to reach the next level.

There seemed to be some sort of commotion in the middle of the playground. That big bully Davis and his cronies were annoying the younger kids again, and as usual they had waited for the teachers to be out of sight. They always thought they were the best because they were older.

"Leave her alone ! She hasn't done anything to you !" the same voice that had shouted before said indignantly.

Little Heero got closer, his video game momentarily forgotten. The bullies usually left him alone, because he had hit one of them after he had tried to steal his console and because he didn't cower in fear when they came in somewhere, but the other kids, especially the younger ones, tried to stay clear of them. But this time, someone was standing up to them.

Davis had apparently chosen to pick on Relena today. Heero didn't really like her, but that was mostly because he didn't like other kids in general, they were either too loud or too whiny. Yet, Relena was pretty okay, for a girl, that is. She always had a smile for everyone, even for Heero, and even when he wasn't being polite with her, much to the teacher's dismay.

Right now, though, Relena was sitting on the ground where Davis had pushed her and crying, holding her elbow that she had hit as she had fallen. Davis was just standing and holding two pieces of a drawing he had just torn and that Heero immediately recognized. Relena had done it in class this morning for her mommy. Little Heero didn't have a mommy or a daddy, so he had done his own for his uncle Jay who took care of him. But he knew that Relena had a nice mommy and that she had been looking forward to offering the nice picture to her mommy. It was just plain mean to have destroyed it.

It seemed that the little kid standing between Davis and Relena thought the same. Quatre was a new kid, he had just arrived a few weeks ago, and from what Heero had gathered, he didn't have a mommy either. From the beginning, Quatre had been very quiet and polite with everyone, but had refused to be bullied, a bit like Heero. The problem was that he was quite small for a five-year-old, and his very light blond hair and big blue eyes made him look frail and vulnerable. Even now that his usually smiling face was red with anger as he tried to get the drawing back.

Suddenly, Heero had enough. He saw red as Davis pushed Quatre, making him fall too. The blond little boy scraped his knee and blood appeared. Relena squealed in fright and caught Quatre's arm, alarmed. Tears of pain welled up in Quatre's eyes, but he didn't cry out, just stubbornly got back on his feet and glared at Davis. In an instant, Heero was at his side and had snatched the two pieces of papers from Davis.

"Just go find someone else to annoy," he growled.

Everyone looked at him with wide eyes. Davis looked pissed off, and things could have turned kind of ugly (at least as ugly as they can get in a kindergarten playground), when Mrs. Po, their teacher, appeared out of nowhere.

"What is going on here ?" she said severely.

She scolded Davis and gave him a punishment, then praised Quatre and Heero for defending Relena and took the still sniffling girl with her to the infirmary.

"Come on, Relena," she said as she led her away. "We'll put something on that scrape, kiss it and make it better, okay ?"

Quatre didn't follow. Heero did not really understand why, but the blond boy had hidden the scrape on his knee. Now, he was sitting down and poking at it, wincing a bit.

"What about you ?" Heero asked, kneeling down next to him. "That must hurt."

"It stings," Quatre said in a serious voice, but immediately after he gave Heero a sunny smile. "Thanks for coming to help us."

Heero shrugged, still not understanding really why he had actually come to help or why Quatre had hidden that he was hurt. He looked up into the other boy's eyes.

"You need to do something with that," he said. "Mrs. Po said you should have someone kiss it and make it better. I can do it if you want."

Quatre blinked at him. Then, he giggled a bit, and nodded.

"Okay," he said.


	15. Open Up

**Title **: Open Up  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 4x1  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #23 – Candy  
**Rating** : NC-17  
**Warnings **: almost-PWP with a slight plot (very slight, it's more of a pretext, but it's there), limey, light BDSM, post-EW, Heero POV.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.  
**Note **: this scene is roughly inspired from part 6 of Koji Ma Oshi by Sol1056. Very roughly. I don't claim to ever reach the height of talent she displayed in that particular fic. I just agree with her vision of BDSM on so many levels. This is my first time writing anything like this, too. Bear with me.

**O.O.O.O**

"I'm putting the blindfold on now, Heero," he says quietly as we reach the door to our bedroom.

I don't even actually know why I agreed to this … game. Maybe I was curious, or maybe it was the way he looked at me as he asked this morning. I don't know. It just … it seemed to matter to him a lot. I agreed without really knowing what he had in store for me.

He produces a black silken scarf out of nowhere, and with swift gestures secures it so I can't see anything.

"There you go," he says as he finishes. Then he takes my hand. "I won't do anything that you don't want me to, Heero, I promise. If anything makes you uncomfortable, tell me and I'll stop right away. I'm just asking you to trust me. You're safe with me, okay ?"

Trust him. I can do that. I nod. And I hear him chuckle as he squeezes my hand.

"Say it out loud, Heero. Do you trust me ?"

For a fleeting moment, I feel my head spin as he asks the question point blank. I am standing butt naked in the corridor with a blindfold, next to my equally naked lover who staged all this. I am feeling more vulnerable than I ever have in my entire life. My whole body is tense since I can't see anything and my training tells me that I am in a situation over which I have no control.

The only thing that feels real is his hand in mine.

Trust him. Do I trust him ? If he had asked me at any other moment, I would have said 'yes' and left it at that. He would have accepted the answer and left me alone. But … this is different. This is different because this time I have no other choice but to trust him.

I have to take a deep breath to center myself a bit as a sudden wave of fear hits me. He must have felt it, because suddenly his arms are around me, his hands rubbing my back, and I can feel his body very close to mine, exhaling heat.

"Shh, it's okay," he murmurs in a soothing voice. "Don't panic, I'm here. If you want to stop, just tell me. I won't be mad."

"I do trust you," I choke out in a gasp.

His hands on my back stop for a second, before they begin their reassuring dance on my skin again.

"I know," he says. "And now you are going to show me how much, right ?"

I nod again, and again he chuckles.

"Say it out loud."

"I will show you," I say, unable to resist as I feel the tension leaving me under his ministrations.

He's warm against me, his arms around me, but his body is barely touching mine. I want more of that touch, but instinctively I understand that simply asking for it will not work this time. There's something he wants to show me. Something he wants me to do. I can almost feel the anticipation and excitement rolling off of him as he still rubs my back.

"Are you okay ?" he asks softly. "Do you want to continue ?"

I begin to nod, but hold myself back.

"Yes," I say out loud, and I am almost sure that I can _hear_ his smile. I am not sure why, but knowing that I actually made him smile with something so simple is making me a bit giddy.

I don't have time to reflect on that as I hear the door clicking open. He stands back, only holding onto my hand again, and gently tugs me along as he gets inside. I faintly notice that he's taking me to the far end of the room, and I give a start when my legs suddenly meet the side of the bed.

"I changed the place of the bed to have a better view," he tells me. "You'll look fantastic with the lights pouring down on you."

I can feel the flush that must have appeared on my body at his words, like a wave of warmth going straight down to my toes. I can't see him, but he can see me. And from the tone of his voice, he fully intends to take advantage of that.

He helps me get comfortable, slowly guiding me to a sitting position against the headboard, in the middle of the bed. He arranged the pillows so that my back would be supported. I follow his lead and lean back into the fluffy cushions, suppressing a shiver. I have never been body-shy, but all of a sudden I feel very exposed. Once again, he feels my tension and runs his hands up and down on my arms, feather-like touches that seem to set me on fire and make me tremble at the same time.

"You're safe with me," he says again. "You only have to trust me."

I want to believe him and I concentrate on his voice, on his fingertips drawing random patterns on the skin of my arms, and once again I gradually feel myself relaxing. If I felt vulnerable when I was standing in the corridor, I feel even more so in the middle of my own bed. This is strange.

I don't know how long he does just this, caressing my arms with the tips of his fingers. After a while, the hypnotic movement has managed to get rid of all the tension in my muscles, and I even begin to feel a bit drowsy.

"Hey, don't fall asleep on me now !" I hear him laugh. "The fun is about to begin. You can sleep afterwards, I promise."

I nod, and he laughs again, a sweet, tender laugh.

"Are you comfortable ?"

Again, I hold the automatic nod back and speak instead. It's beginning to come more easily too.

"Yes."

"Good. Now I would like you to remain very still. You're not allowed to move until I tell you that you can. And you can't say anything either unless I tell you that you can. Can you do that for me, Heero ?"

"Yes."

"I'll be right back."

I am very, very tempted to freak out when I feel him getting up and away from the bed. Just thinking that he could leave me alone here is scaring me. Which is completely irrational, because if that was the case all I would have to do to end it is take the blindfold off. But I am strangely reticent to do that. If I take it off, I will have failed him somewhere. I can't begin to understand why or how, but I just know it.

Instead of panicking, I try to concentrate on the faintest noise. My other senses are more alert since my vision is impaired, and I can follow his soft footsteps on the carpet as he gets to the other side of the bed. He rummages through things that he apparently put on the dresser beforehand, and I smell something sweet, but that I can't identify. Then, I feel the bed dip and he's sitting by my side again.

"Open up for me, Heero."

I blink under the blindfold, not sure what exactly he means by that until something cool and soft is pressed against my lips. I open my mouth, and the taste hits my tongue as I chew. Grapes. I swallow, and he brings another one to my mouth, caressing my lips with the soft skin of the fruit before asking me to open up again. I try to understand what exactly is going through my body as he feeds me gently, the only part of him I can feel being his fingers on my lips each time. And I realize this is turning me on.

I know I am blushing. I just can't help it.

"Do you have any idea just how beautiful you look like that ?" he asks in a whisper, and his breath tickles my ear. I feel the ghost touch of fingers on my thigh, and I almost squirm. I want more of him. I want him to touch me.

It's like he's reading my mind. As usual, he's able to understand me without words.

"Do you want more ?"

"Yes," I answer, and I feel my breath accelerate as I wonder what he's going to do next.

I feel another piece of fruit against my lips and I am almost disappointed for a moment. But that's before I feel his own mouth closing on mine. He's feeding me with his mouth now. Slowly, his tongue pushes the grape in my mouth and plays there with it for a while before he lets me chew and swallow it.

I can't help the whimpers that escape me as he keeps giving me the sweet treats mingled in a kiss. He's still not touching me anywhere else. I can feel his body warmth just beside me, washing over me. My hands twitch on the sheets as I try very hard not to just reach out and catch him to hold him against me.

"You're doing very well, Heero," he says, and I hear the pride in his voice. It's making my heart beat faster. It's just overwhelming to know that I can make him feel like this. That I can make him proud.

"Let's try something else, now."

I don't recognize the texture as his fingers bring a new item of food to my mouth, but I obediently open up. The taste is very, very sweet, and as soon as it hits my tongue, the sugary treat seems to evaporate. Cotton candy. He gives me some more. I grow a bit bold and lick his fingers as he feeds me. He laughs gently and gives me a small tap on the nose.

"Later. Once I am done with you, you can lick whatever you want off me."

I really didn't think that I could get even more aroused, but the mental image provided by those words works miracles for it. I'm craving for more touch, and I know I am really squirming this time.

Without a word, he comes closer again, and kisses me. When I open my mouth to him, he tastes like sweet, melted chocolate. I moan in protest when he pulls back, but remind myself not to move even an inch. God bless my trainers for self-control. It's hard, but I can do this.

"Oh, so you like chocolate," he says mischievously. "Want more ?"

"Please …"

"Please what, Heero ? You didn't answer my question."

He's playing with me. I know it. He's toying with me and I'm only too happy to let him. But I'm not allowed to tell him what exactly it is that I want.

Two can play that game.

"Yes," I almost pant. "I want more."

There's a small moment of silence, probably as he takes some more chocolate into his mouth, and then his lips are against mine. I don't even lose a second. I kiss him aggressively, prying his lips open with my tongue to get to the sweetness inside. I explore his mouth, trying to lick every molecule of chocolate off his teeth and tongue. By the time I'm finished, I can hear him panting too, and I'm sure his body is now as flushed as mine.

His voice is a bit shaky as he next speaks.

"I should have done that long ago," he says. "I just … I never thought you'd actually say yes, you know."

"I said yes because it was important for you," I whisper, forgetting that I'm not supposed to be speaking.

Another tap on my nose reminds me that. He kisses me again, but remains out of reach. Well, not technically, because I only have to hold out my arm to touch him, but I carefully don't move a finger. I just let him ravage my mouth, tasting the last bitter-sweetness of the chocolate on his tongue. His lips are a bit sticky and fruit-flavored, too, and I can even detect the almost sickeningly sweet aftertaste of the cotton candy.

The light suddenly hitting my eyes makes me blink like an owl. I didn't even feel him removing the blindfold. He's lying just beside me, and looking at me with a tender smile. For a moment I just a look at him. Then, I begin to inch closer, but I suddenly stop and look at him quizzically. Is the game over, or not ? Can I move now ?

His only answer is another smile and he opens his arms to me. I snuggle against him, my head in the crook of his neck as he softly strokes my hair. Silence surrounds us, but it's a content, happy silence. I'm feeling tingly almost from head to toe, and I'm almost sure I'm purring as his fingers run through my hair. It's making me sleepy too. I didn't realize, but this little session was tiring. My body is aching, probably because I had to control myself not to move, and my mind is happily buzzing.

"Thank you," I hear him say as he holds me close, still stroking my hair and massaging my scalp.

"Hn ?"

This is the most intelligible thing I can manage right now.

"For trusting me," he answers as if I asked a full question. He never had a problem deciphering my many grunts and expressions.

I nuzzle his neck and make myself more comfortable against him. It feels nice to have his whole body against mine now, to feel his warm skin so close. I don't want to move right now.

I really want to go to sleep, but I am not sure I should. He didn't even tell me if it was over or not. Hell, I'm not even sure if I want it to be over or not.

Again, he must have felt my hesitation and inner torment. He holds me closer.

"Just go to sleep Heero. We can have fun when you wake up. I still have lots of chocolate sauce and I don't mind being handcuffed. I promised you'd get to lick anything you want off me, didn't I ?"


	16. I do not look like an angel

**Title **: I do not look like an angel !  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 4+1 ?  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #24 – good night  
**Rating **: G - PG  
**Warnings **: sap, angst. Spoilers for episode 25 (some dialogues taken verbatim from the anime).  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

_AC 185_

"There he is, miss Iria ! All ready for bed," the nanny said as she led Quatre into his far too vast bedroom.

Iria opened her arms to her little brother and he ran to her to give her a hug. He was just out of the bath, and his still damp light blond hair was curling adorably around his round face.

"You look just like an angel, Quatre."

The little boy took a step back, crossing his chubby arms on his chest defiantly and pouting.

'Only five years old and already a temper to match Father's,' Iria thought, amused.

"I do not look like an angel," Quatre protested.

"It is not a way to talk to your elder sister, young master !" the nanny scolded him.

"Don't worry, Khadijah, it's okay. I'll take him from here. You can go to bed."

"Well, I wish you good luck with that little monster, miss Iria ! Good night, master Quatre."

"I'm not a monster either !" Quatre said indignantly.

Iria smiled and picked him up.

"Quatre, say good night to Khadijah."

"Goodnightkhadijah," Quatre said very fast, not looking at his nanny.

"Good," Iria crooned. "Now say it like you mean it, Quatre.

Reluctantly, the little boy looked at Khadijah, his cheeks red.

"Good night," he said a bit haughtily.

Khadijah smiled and left the room after bidding good night to Iria, and the young woman carried her brother to the big bed in a corner of the room.

"Why don't you want to look like an angel, Quatre ?" she asked as she helped him get under the covers. Quatre was a fussy child, but he never threw a tantrum when it was time to go to bed. Some times, Iria wondered if that was because he knew he had to gather his strength to make life a living hell for as many people as possible the next day.

"The angels in your book look just like you, you know ?" she insisted, catching said book and opening it, flipping through the pages until she found a big picture and holding it out for Quatre to see.

"Yes, but that's because they're not real angels," the five-year-old retorted very seriously.

"Why not ?" Iria asked, surprised.

"Well, real angels, they're in heaven, right ?" Quatre said in a sleepy voice. "So they can't be in books. Because those in books, they're in the books all the time, they never go away. So it means they're never in Heaven, and if they're not in Heaven, they're not real angels. So if I look like not-real angels, then I don't look like an angel at all."

Iria was stunned speechless for a minute as she tried to understand the reasoning that had led Quatre to that conclusion.

"Well, maybe you're right," she admitted after a while. "I've only ever seen angels in books myself, after all, so I wouldn't know. But then, what do angels look like ?"

"They have blue eyes," Quatre said with a yawn.

"You have blue eyes," Iria pointed out helpfully.

"Not blue like mine," the little boy said, sounding irritated in spite of his tiredness. "Really, really blue … And they have dark hair … so that people won't notice them too much. Like that … they can help people without being recognized."

He yawned again and closed his eyes, nuzzling in his pillow. Iria smiled.

"Good night, Quatre," she said softly, kissing his forehead.

The little boy was already asleep.

**O.O.O.O**

_AC 195_

"You'll die, Heero. I don't want to defeat people who are my allies. Please Heero, get away from here."

"Quatre … I'm not leaving. There's a colony that needs to be defended."

'_They have blue eyes. Really, really blue … And they have dark hair … so that people won't notice them too much. Like that … they can help people without being recognized.'_

"I'd ask you to get out of your mobile suit, but you won't, will you ? In that case, I'm just gonna have to kill you."

'Well, real angels, they're in heaven, right ?' 

"Then, get it over with. I have no intention of chatting with an enemy."

'_So if I look like not-real angels, then I don't look like an angel at all.'_

"That's it, then. Goodbye, Heero."

'But then, what do angels look like ?' 


	17. Feelin' the Same Way

**Title **: Feelin' the Same Way  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 4+1  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #26 – If only I could make you mine  
**Rating **: PG-13  
**Warnings **: canon-ness continuation, angst.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me. Feelin' The Same Way is a song by Norah Jones, who has given me quite a lot of inspiration for titles and end themes lately (lyrics removed to conform to the TOS). But she's not me. Or I'm not her, whichever way you prefer.

**O.O.O.O**

Quatre's head shot up when he heard the door open. Heero was as quiet as usual, but Quatre had been waiting for hours for him to come back, and the sound of the lock was enough to rouse him from his light doze. 

He didn't know why Heero had accepted to come live here with him. He did know why he had asked. He had been afraid to ask, because it was so selfish of him, after all. He had been even more afraid when Heero had said yes. Because, he was afraid to read more into that simple word than what Heero had meant by it.

Heero stopped in the living room, noticing the young man curled up on the loveseat. His face expressed absolutely nothing. For a moment, they just looked at each other. Then, Quatre slowly disentangled himself from the blanket covering him and got up, grimacing a smile he didn't mean.

"I'm going to bed," he whispered, as if breaking the silence was sacrilegious.

But as he passed by Heero, the Japanese young man put a hand on his shoulder. Quatre stopped dead, his heart beating far too fast and his breathing suddenly too short. He had to make an effort not to jump, but somehow, he managed it. But he didn't turn around, because he was sure his face was flaming red and there was no way Heero would not notice it.

"Why do you do this to yourself ?" Heero asked in a murmur.

This time, Quatre did jump. Shocked, he slowly turned around to face the man he had been in love with for so long, eyes wide.

So Heero did know, after all. Then why had he accepted Quatre's offer ? Why had Quatre asked in the first place ? The truth was, he had had no idea that he could be such a masochist before he had asked.

"I don't know," he answered softly.

"What's in this for you, Quatre ?" Heero insisted.

Quatre smiled sadly.

"Does it matter ? I just want to help you, that's all."

"But who is going to help you ?"

"I don't know," Quatre said again.

Heero's eyes dropped to the ground, and Quatre breathed a bit more freely. Being under the scrutiny of Heero's gaze was an experience … that left marks.

"I just don't understand," Heero said, as if talking to himself. "I am grateful for everything you did for me, but if this is causing you that much pain, maybe I should go …"

"Don't !"

It was Heero's turn to jump slightly when he found himself hugged tightly, Quatre's head nestled in the crook of his neck.

"I know what you think, Heero. That you're not worth it. That I'm wasting my time. Sometimes it even feels like you can't wait for me to kick you out. But you always come back."

Chastising green-blue eyes looked up.

"I don't care what this is doing to me, you know. The only thing that matters right now is that you need me. And I can't stay away if you need me. I won't give up on you, even if you feel like giving up on yourself."

Heero was looking at him helplessly.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, Heero. I swear that wasn't my intention. But … I just can't help feeling that way. Just, please … don't go. It'll be worse if you go."

"I am hurting you," Heero protested quietly.

"I know. But if that's the only thing I can get from you, then I'll take it."

This time, it was Heero who hugged him, and for a moment, Quatre lost himself into that embrace. He could even imagine all of his dreams had come true. Then a small voice reached his ear.

"I am so sorry, Quatre. But … I can't."

The strong arms withdrew, and the cold hit Quatre harder than before. Heero silently went away to his own room after one last look back. Feeling defeated, Quatre just went back to the loveseat and wrapped himself in the blanket again. He didn't feel like going to sleep into his empty room right now anyway. He just looked in the void, towards the empty hall into which Heero had disappeared.

"You can't … but you keep coming back. Why do you keep coming back ?"


	18. The Taste of Salt

**Title **: The Taste of Salt  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1+4 friendship or very slight shounen ai  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #29 – the sound of waves  
**Rating **: PG  
**Warnings **: Quatre POV, canon-ness, self-reflection, thoughts, angstiness sap. Takes place during episode 29 (spoilers). I am doing a personal interpretation of the scene on the beach.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.  
**Author's Note **: I do not guarantee that the lines of dialogue will be completely identical to those in the English version since I am working from my Japanese copy subbed in French.

**O.O.O.O**

"What's up, Quatre ? You don't like dogs ?" 

I looked up from my silent contemplation of the sand to where Heero and the dogs were now sitting after running around for a while. For people who were supposed to have been captured by the military, we had quite a lot of freedom. Our own tent, a computer access, and the right to move around camp in the secured perimeter. If we had wanted to take off, we could have done it very easily.

But we didn't. We didn't really have anywhere else to go, anyway.

Heero seemed to be waiting. For what, I didn't know. He just took the opportunity to have some rest while he could, and apparently forgot everything about the war raging around us. I knew it was not true, of course. We spent most evenings scanning the net and the television for news of our comrades. We monitored the political situation. We tried to make plans for the future, without much conviction. Everything was too blurred for us to make actual decisions.

We were supposedly being watched closely by the soldiers who had found us, but the truth was that they didn't even know what to do with us. I wasn't even sure that they actually knew who was supposed to be sending them orders. They were just trying to stay alive in the chaos that Earth had become. They didn't seem to be scared of us either.

My mind was a mess. I had nightmares every time I tried to sleep, and most days were spent contemplating the consequences of my actions. I desperately wanted to believe that Trowa was still alive, but everything in me was screaming that I had killed him. I think that it is on that beach, under that beautiful sun, that I actually experienced despair. Not even when my father and sister died did I feel that strange sensation, tearing me apart from the inside, ravaging my whole being, and leaving me physically exhausted.

Heero did notice, he was too observant not to. But I think he didn't really know how to react. It wasn't the same for him. He wasn't the one who had dealt the blow, since I had meant to blast his Mobile Suit. Trowa coming in the middle saved him, but I don't think he really knew how to react to that either. Trowa's death, or apparent death, seemed to remain some kind of abstract notion for him. If he was saddened by it, it didn't show. And I don't think that he had ever been in the situation of comforting someone. He simply didn't know how, and it would have been just mean of me to be mad at him for it. I knew I had to try and get through this alone, with him watching from afar and waiting for me.

This is why I was surprised that he started a conversation. And a conversation that was completely mundane. When I looked at him, I could see the uncertainty in his eyes. He still didn't know what he was doing. He had no idea how to help me. And he was trying in spite of all that.

"Of course I do …" I answered, offering a weak smile. "Why do you ask ?"

He got up from the sand, brushing it off his clothes.

"Then, come play with them. They look like they want to play with you."

I looked at the dogs. They were looking up at Heero with the kind of adoring expressions that only happy dogs can have, wagging their tails wildly. Heero had stopped scratching their heads as he got up and one of them whined a bit at the loss of the caress.

"Animals have a kind of sixth sense. They feel it if you're a kind person," Heero continued, eyes now staring at the sea.

I had a more sincere smile. I was sure he hadn't even realized what he had said, but in my heart, I had always known that Heero was a kind person. Years of training had not managed to erase that from his personality, no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

I wouldn't be able to say why I suddenly brought my fingers to my mouth and licked them. They were still salty. I had been near the edge of the water about half an hour ago, and tasted the water. It seemed like a stupid thing to do, drinking salt water, but the sea … just fascinated me.

You don't find salt water on colonies. You can't hear that hypnotic sound the waves make when they come crashing on the sand, again and again. Seeing it and hearing it on television just doesn't do it justice. There is nothing like the feeling of being in front of that huge immensity of naturally salted water, feeling the droplets of it on your face, tasting the salt even on the wind, smelling it.

I had never felt truly alive before I had seen the sea. And now that I was seeing it, with nothing else to do but look at it and feel it, I was wondering if I could find the taste of salt again.

"Kindness isn't necessary for a soldier," I murmured.

"Probably not," he admitted.

His voice wasn't wavering.

"Not in a time of war. But a soldier who doesn't fight needs kindness."

He looked straight at me, with those eyes that were much deeper than the deepest ocean. Eyes that I had seen in doubt, in pain, … in peace ?

"And we're not fighting," he finished almost carelessly.

It was stinging in my mouth, almost hurting me with its roughness. Like a brutal landing into reality. I licked my finger again, savoring it. One of the dogs came to me, curious, and when I held out my hand to it, it licked it too, and seemed to find it to its taste, because it didn't stop before it had washed it thoroughly. The wet tongue tickled me and I laughed, stroking the dog on the muzzle.

I finally looked up to see Heero looking at me, a tiny smile on his normally too serious face. I smiled back.

"Thank you," I said softly.

He petted the dog again, then turned back and began to go away, leaving soft footprints in the sand.

I only just caught the last words he said, cast my way by the wind.

"We're alive, Quatre."


	19. So Kiss Me

**Title **: So Kiss Me  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 0x4, 0x1, 4x1x4  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #30 – kiss  
**Rating **: PG  
**Warnings **: All the kisses in Quatre's life. Angst-ness, New Type-ness, Zero-ness.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me. The title and end theme of the fic come from the Sixpence song (lyrics removed to conform to the TOS).

**O.O.O.O**

Quatre never got to kiss his mother. At least, not in any way that would be comprehensible to another human being. Katherine Winner died a few minutes after giving birth to him, those are the cold, hard facts. What Quatre shared with his mother is neither cold nor hard, and most people would scoff at the mere idea of it.

Even his sisters can't know about it. They may have lived with her, but none of them shared that intimacy with her like he did, none of them were one with her for so many months like he was. That's why none of them would understand the real reason why Quatre doesn't miss his mother. It's not because he never knew her. It's because he knows her better than anyone else.

Quatre never really got to kiss his father either. Not that the man ever denied him affection, no matter how difficult and adversarial their relationship was. Quatre remembers hugs, hands ruffling his hair affectionately, words of praises that he only half-believed, the way his father could interrupt an important meeting or end a workday sooner than expected to spend some time with his son.

But Quatre always felt like his father tried too hard. His relationship with Quatre was very different from the one he had with his daughters. He loved all of his children, but Quatre was special. The only boy, the youngest, the heir. And the shadow of Katherine always hung between them, albeit without Quatre's knowing. Now of course, Quatre wonders if maybe he didn't try hard enough.

Quatre's sisters kissed him a lot. He must have been the most spoiled little boy in the world, both literally and figuratively. There was always someone to run to in time of need, someone's arms to hide into when scared, someone's shoulder to cry onto when hurt, someone's lap to sleep onto when tired. Another reason why Quatre never missed his mother is that he never felt he didn't have one. On the contrary, he had so many of them, and all of them as loving and caring as Katherine could have been had she lived.

Maybe this is why it hurt so much, losing his father and his eldest sister at the same time.

**O.O.O.O**

Quatre distinctly remembers what Zero tastes like. It's not something that can be adequately described with words, because words are not a concept that Zero can understand. Strangely, the only thing that comes close to merging with Zero is what Quatre remembers of his mother. The feeling of being one, of not being sure where he stops and where she – it – starts.

It could be why he didn't fight harder, too. The craving must have been too strong. The other pilots seem to think that Quatre gave in to Zero because he was in a state of deep emotional distress. In a way, that's true, but not in the way they believe.

Quatre is not sure they would understand that at one point, for a second maybe, he very much wanted to give in. The only one that could grasp this would be Heero, and only because he too came so close to Zero that giving in was not a choice anymore, it was the only way to go.

**O.O.O.O**

Heero tastes like Zero. Quatres knows this for a fact, even though he can't describe what Zero tastes like. Sometimes, he wonders if he too tastes like Zero to Heero, and if this is why they can't seem to have enough of each other, now that Zero is gone.


	20. Bullet Arc 1

**Title **: Bulletproof (Fic #1 in the Bullet Arc)  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1x4x1, hints of 6x2x6  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #28 – Wada Calcium CD3  
**Rating **: R  
**Warnings **: Angst, mentions of violence. Fic #1 in the Bullet Arc.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

"Still here ?"

It was a stupid question, of course, but after hours of surgery, Sally felt that she was entitled to ask stupid questions. She knew that only the planet's imminent destruction would have made Heero move from Quatre's bedside.

The former Gundam Pilot graced her question with a shrug, which was pretty much all that it deserved as an answer.

"You should get some rest," Sally said almost automatically, even if she knew that he wouldn't listen.

She came closer to check the several machines that were beeping.

"His rhythm is normal again," she whispered as she looked at the ECG.

Quatre was still breathing with the ventilator, but he had shown signs of spontaneous breathing every time Sally had tried to disconnect him. His body was too tired for the moment to do more than this, but it was encouraging. Sally only hoped that his heart would stand the shock. She had lost count of how many times it had stopped during the surgery. The bullets had almost severed the pulmonary artery.

She shook the images of her own hands covered in Quatre's blood as she had done the cardiac massage away and took a little phial out of her lab coat's pocket and a syringe still in its wrapping.

"What is it ?" Heero asked softly.

"It's a calcium supplement. Still in the experimental stage. I hope that it will help re-grow the bones a bit faster, but even then, the damage to his spine is very important … He may never walk again."

"He will."

There was no doubt in Heero's voice as he said this, but even in the dark Sally saw that he was shivering.

"Duo ?" he asked, and she thought that his voice shouldn't have been so steady.

"Just minor scrapes and a sprained ankle. He refused to go home."

"Wind ?"

She winced.

"The bullets are out. We're waiting for the clot to be resorbed. He's still unconscious. Duo is with him."

Heero took Quatre's hand in his.

"When will they understand that it's useless to try to kill us ?"

Quatre's hand was lifeless, his skin all but livid and pierced by needles and tubes that fed drugs to his body. Sally knew that the young businessman was way taller than she was now but he looked very small in that bed, covered in bloodstained bandages and surrounded by machines that kept him alive.

"They're scared," Sally said.

"Why ? We're already dead. We died a long time ago."

She swallowed the lump in her throat and put her hand on his shoulder.

"I won't let any of you die, Heero, and you know it !"

She gave a start when his other hand came to cover hers and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Thank you," he said so low that she wasn't sure that he had actually talked.

She took a step closer and kissed his temple, taking him in her arms from behind.

"I won't let you die," she said again in a whisper.


	21. Bullet Arc 2

**Title **: Physical Therapy (Fic #2 in the Bullet Arc)  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1x4x1, hints of 6x2x6  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #18 – "say aah ..."  
**Rating **: PG-13  
**Warnings **: angsty, humor, mentions of violence. Fic #2 in the Bullet Arc. Sequel to #28 - Bulletproof.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys and girls belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

The door of the physical therapy room was pushed open so violently that it slammed into the wall, freezing both the therapist and Quatre on the spot. Sally stood on the doorstep with her hands on her hips and an incensed look on her face.

"Get out !" she barked at the therapist, and the poor man all but fled the room without a word. Quatre was left standing there, arms braced on the bars and straining under the effort to keep himself upright.

"What the hell do you think you're doing ?" Sally asked him.

Quatre blinked, and wisely did not answer. Sally glared at Heero, who was sitting on the bench next to the abandoned wheelchair.

"And you ! Couldn't you at least pretend to stop him when he's acting like an idiot ?"

Heero just looked back and shrugged, unimpressed.

"Have you ever tried stopping him when he wants something ?" he said with the long-suffering look of someone who _had _tried and repeatedly failed.

Sally smirked and turned around to face Quatre, crossing her arms on her chest.

"As long as you're in _my_ hospital, you're under _my_ care and you're _my_ responsibility. So if you want to damage your spine more than it already is, be my guest. But don't you dare bully my staff into doing it for you ! Are we clear on that ?"

Quatre nodded, eyes wide.

"Good," Sally said. "Now get in that wheelchair. We're going back to your room. No discussion !" she added when Quatre opened his mouth to object. "You've done more than enough for today. You need to rest."

Neither of them spoke as Heero pushed the wheelchair back to the room and helped Quatre onto his bed. Sally then took her stethoscope from around her neck, checked Quatre's pulse, and asked for a new IV over the com system. Once she was satisfied that her patient was comfortable and properly medicated, she sat down in the chair next to Heero's and hid her face in her hands.

"I'm sorry ..." Quatre whispered. "But it's just so ... frustrating to be stuck here. Zechs went home weeks ago, and I'm still ..."

"Zechs is still on medical leave and Duo is monitoring him," Sally interrupted. "He's coming in regularly for us to check that the clot was a one-time occurrence and not something more serious, and his injuries were nowhere as extensive as yours."

Quatre bit his bottom lip and looked away, clearly upset but unable to formulate it in a way that would make sense to her. Heero caught one of his hand and started rubbing it gently with his thumb. Sally had seen him do this a lot in the last weeks, both while Quatre was unconscious and after he'd woken up. It took a bit longer than the other times, but the tension slowly ebbed out of Quatre, leaving only a cloud of misery and self-loathing that Sally had seen in way too many patients.

"I know that you're feeling that this is going too slow, but that's not true, Quatre," she said, choosing her words carefully. "Your progress is a lot faster than anything I expected, but you need to give your body the time to mend properly, or the only thing you'll manage to do is hurt yourself even more. The key to physical therapy is to go slow and steady. If you exhaust yourself, you'll just add to the strain, and then we'll have to start again from scratch. And that's only if you don't make the damage permanent by overexerting yourself. You wouldn't want that, would you ?"

"No, of course not !" Quatre blurted out.

Sally smiled and ruffled his hair gently.

"I'm good at what I do, Quatre."

"I know," Quatre said. "I trust you, and I'm sorry to be such a bother but I just ..."

"If you do things my way, you can go back home as soon as your therapy program gets light enough. Deal ?"

"Deal," Quatre sighed. "Not like I have choice, anyway."

"Damn right you don't have a choice," Sally said smugly. "And you know, antagonizing me won't get you a long way with me, but ass-kissing could. You might want to try that next time instead of scaring my staff into helping you destroy your health, okay ?"

"I'll try to remember that," Quatre smiled.

There was a soft knock on the door, and a nurse came in carrying a small plastic goblet with pills.

"I'm bringing Mr. Winner's pain medication and sleeping pills, Dr. Po," she said.

Quatre made a face.

"Do I still need those ?"

Sally frowned warningly at him.

"Be a good boy and say 'aaah'."


	22. Bullet Arc 3

**Title **: Post-traumatic Stress (Fic #3 in the Bullet Arc)  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1x4x1, hints of 6x2x6, S+4, S+1  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #27 – overflow  
**Rating **: PG-13  
**Warnings **: Angstness, humor, New Type-ness, mentions of violence. Fic #3 in the Bullet Arc. Sequel to #28 - Bulletproof, and #18 – Physical Therapy.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys and girls belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

"Alright, that's enough for today," Sally said. "Let's get you cleaned up and back to bed."

Quatre made a face when the bed was mentioned, but didn't object. He'd soon learnt that it didn't do any good with Sally. Besides, he was aching all over, and a good soak and a nap sounded very good right now.

"I'd rather you take a shower so as not to cramp up, but I don't think you're steady enough on your legs for that," the doctor kept on.

"Heero must have drawn me a bath," Quatre said.

"Don't stay in too long and ..."

"Make sure to have someone help me out," Quatre interrupted. "Yeah. I know."

"Good," Sally said flippantly. "I'll join Heero in the kitchen, then. I'll see you next week."

**O.O.O.O**

"Tea ?" Heero offered as Sally took a seat at the kitchen table.

"Coffee," she answered. "Long day. Caffeine is my best friend lately."

"Sorry to make you come all this way," Heero said, getting the coffee started and putting the kettle on for himself.

"It was that or having a cranky Quatre in my hospital. I honestly prefer that. I doubt I'd still have a hospital if I hadn't allowed him to go home," Sally said, stifling a yawn. "What about you ? How have you been doing these days ?"

"Fine," Heero said distractedly, opening a cupboard to get mugs.

Sally frowned.

"Heero ? Look at me, please."

Heero turned around, a confused look on his face. Sally was watching him intently, as if she could see things beyond his skin and didn't like what she was seeing.

"Sit down," she said, and her tone allowed no discussion. "How are you ?" she asked again. Heero didn't answer. Sally grinned and patted his hand sympathetically. "That bad ?"

"It's not that," Heero said. "I mean, yes, he's difficult some times, but ..."

"That's an understatement," Sally said dryly.

"I can deal with that."

"Oh, I'm sure you can. But apparently there's something you can't deal with. Both of you."

Heero clenched his fists and took a deep breath.

"He's having a problem keeping his empathy under control," he said, and he looked almost relieved just to have said the words, Sally thought.

"That's ... normal, I would say," she said. "He's been injured, and very seriously. As long as his body is mending and he's in pain, it's going to be difficult for him to maintain the level of control he's used to."

"I know that, but ..."

"That's why I didn't want him out of the hospital so soon," Sally kept on. "The environment was controlled, and he could be shielded without exerting himself too much. I think being away is what helped his recovery in the first weeks ... and being away from you, too."

She'd hesitated before saying it, but Heero deserved nothing less than honesty. Besides, she knew that he knew that already, but he needed to have someone tell him.

"You know what I mean, right ?"

She kept her voice soft and light, careful not to sound accusatory. This was difficult for him too. But there was no reason to go easy on him, either.

Heero looked about to get up and leave. He glanced at the coffee machine when it dinged in the silence. Sally waited. It felt like an eternity before he nodded, once, and she sighed.

"This has to stop," she said. "This is not helping either of you and you know it."

"I can't help it."

"Heero, he's feeding off your guilt. That coupled with the pain signals from his body is enough to wear anybody out. Add to it that he can't shield properly and it's a miracle he's fit enough to get out of bed at all. Not to mention, you have nothing to feel guilty for."

He tried to protest, but she cut him off before the first word could leave his mouth.

"There was nothing you could have done, okay ? You couldn't have gotten the intelligence about the sniper earlier, and you couldn't have gotten to him in time. Besides, it's in the past. It's done, and everybody's alive. It's time to move on, don't you think ?"

"I'm the only one who wasn't injured," Heero whispered.

"And that's why you're so gloomy ? You'd rather have joined everybody else on a stretcher ? That's a pretty fucked up reason to be depressed, I hope you realize that."

"That's not what I meant."

Sally sighed again, and began to rummage in her purse.

"I wasn't sure I'd need this, but I guess it can't be helped," she said, putting a card with a phone number on the table. "This is Dr. Simmons' number. I'll schedule an appointment for both you and Quatre next week, and you'll see about setting up individual sessions then. And before you say no, that's not a suggestion. If you want Quatre to get better, you'll go."

"You're not giving us a choice," Heero pointed out.

"No, I'm not. You need this. And yes, I know Dr. Simmons and he's good. That's why I addressed Duo and Zechs to him. I'm sure he can help you as well."

Heero reached out and took the card, looking at the numbers written on it as if trying to decipher a coded answer to all of his questions.

"Well, I'll be on my way," Sally said, breaking the grave mood as she stood up and put her coat on.

"What about coffee ?"

"I'll grab something at the cafeteria," she said, kissing him goodbye before he could stand up and walk her to the door. "I want to be out of here before you tell Quatre I'm sending you to a shrink."

"Sally, wait ! You didn't tell him ?"

"See you !" Sally said, waving as she all but ran out of the kitchen. "And good luck !"


	23. Bullet Arc 4

**Title **: Survivor's Guilt (Fic #4 in the Bullet Arc)  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1x4x1, 6x2x6  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #05 – "ano sa ..."  
**Rating **: PG  
**Warnings **: Angstness, humor, New Type-ness, mentions of violence. Fic #4 in the Bullet Arc. Sequel to #28 – Bulletproof, #18 – Physical Therapy and #27 – Post-traumatic Stress  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys and girls belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

Duo rapped his knuckles against the door of Heero's office, but as usual he didn't wait for an answer to let himself in.

"Yo. Got time for a coffee ? My treat."

Heero's eyes went from the pile of case files on his desk to the quite obviously fresh mug of steaming coffee next to his keyboard, then to the dark circles under Duo's eyes, and he nodded.

"Sure."

He followed Duo down the corridor to the cafeteria and chose a corner table as far away from the windows as possible while Duo fetched what the cafeteria called coffee and what he called battery acid. It was a far cry from the ground coffee that every field officer lucky enough to have an office instead of a cubicle kept in their desk, but it gave a nice punch in the guts.

Duo came back with two paper cups filled to the brim. He sat down, took a sip, grimaced, and rubbed his eyes.

"So ... how are things ?"

Heero shrugged, and Duo smiled wearily.

"You too, heh ?"

"I guess so," Heero said.

"Sally sent you to Dr. Simmons, right ? You guys got a session already ?"

"Just one," Heero said, finally tasting the coffee and immediately vowing to feed the potted plant with it, as he did every time. Duo didn't seem to want to take more than a sip either. They could have shared a mug of real coffee in his office, but Heero could understand the need to not stare at the walls while pretending to work right now. "We're going back for individual sessions next week."

"He's good."

"He's alright," Heero agreed.

Another silence, and Duo looked away.

"Do you get them too ?" he asked. "The nightmares ..."

Heero stared at his coffee and didn't answer. Maybe if he stared long enough ... but Duo's voice managed to cut through it all.

"There's the one where you know everything that's gonna happen, but no matter what you try you don't make a difference ... and sometimes you make it worse. And then there's the one where it happens over and over again ... I don't know which one is worse."

"I don't remember my dreams," Heero said in a monotone.

"Me neither, man," Duo said with a broken smile. "Just the nightmares."

He sighed and got up abruptly.

"Y'know, I've been trying real hard, but he's really not making it any easier. He's a pain, honestly. I always have to make sure he doesn't overtire himself, and then he'll get antsy and we'll fight over nothing because he thinks he's alright and I know he's not. I mean, he always apologizes, but it gets tiring, the whole 'fight, kiss and make-up' routine." He laughed. "I guess you know what it's like, heh ?"

Heero nodded wearily. Duo laughed again.

"We should get back to work," he said.

END OF THE BULLET ARC


	24. Odds Arc 1

**Title **: Odds  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1+4+1  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #17 – kHz (kilohertz)  
**Rating **: PG  
**Warnings **: Angsty, friendshippy, spoiler for end of series and the Odds and Evens clips, Zero-ness.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

Twelve hours after the last bit of Libra had been blasted by Wing Zero, MO-2 was still swarming with activity.

Quatre had gone back to sleep almost immediately after Trowa and Duo's visit, still exhausted by the recent anesthesia and in pain from his wound. Their toast to the peace had been tinged with relief to know that all of them were accounted for and incredulity that peace was actually established, even if more from lack of weapons than anything else.

In spite of his protestations that other people needed help more than he did, Quatre had been treated first and given a room to himself. He didn't want to be given the VIP treatment any more than Sally wanted to give it to him, but neither of them had had much choice in the matter. Thankfully, Quatre's wound was more spectacular than serious and was dealt with accordingly, leaving Sally to attend to more pressing matters.

Quatre sat up slowly and unbuckled the strap that held him down on the bunk. The satellite had been quite damaged during the battle, and gravity hadn't been restored everywhere. The rooms where it functioned were being used as medical wards and operating theaters. Another one near the mobile suit emergency exit had been transformed into a morgue. Une had insisted that as many bodies as possible be recovered so that they could be buried with due ceremony or sent back to their families.

Treize's body hadn't been found so far. Quatre didn't know if Une actually held any hope in that regard. Few people could survive the explosion of their mobile suit, and Tallgeese, no matter how powerful, was made of neo-titanium. It tended to blow up with more ease than gundanium did.

Quatre looked at the perfusion for a while, debating whether to take it with him or simply pull the needle out. He ended up unfastening the pouch from its magnetic stand. He could always make sure it floated high enough in the Zero-G sectors, and carry it the rest of the way.

Reaching the door proved to be more difficult than he had initially thought, without the help of magnetic soles to help anchor you on a solid surface if you needed it, but he managed without too much trouble.

People were alternating between walking and floating around effortlessly, attending to the task assigned to them with single-minded effort. All in all, the place looked like a very quiet beehive. The silence was sporadically broken by static and orders issued by a radio or the clank of tools. Most of the worker's faces expressed the same stunned feeling that Quatre was still experiencing, and no one spoke.

Quatre wasn't exactly sure of where he was going, or why. He dodged techs, mechanics and medical staff alike, making sure to stay out of their way and to remain unnoticed. It was unlikely that anyone would recognize his face, and the hospital gown and the perfusion would be enough to deflect any kind of questions, but since he didn't know where he was going, he didn't want anyone else to know either.

He passed by Dorothy, slumped in a chair and sleeping. She wasn't handcuffed, but next to her sitting on the floor was an Oz soldier with a gun. No one had even thought about asking them to surrender their weapons. There weren't many prisoners to begin with. White Fang's main weapons had been the Libra and the Virgos. Neither necessitated as big a crew as one would think. Quinze and Zechs were both presumed dead. Dorothy was the only one left. She slept, oblivious to the fact, and her guard was starting to doze off as well.

Quatre didn't see any other familiar face around, and he left the room quickly in a search of a less busy place. He was making a nuisance of himself staying in the way when he couldn't help, and he didn't want people to ask questions. It took a bit of walking on cold metal floors and of navigating in Zero-G before reaching an empty corridor, and a storeroom whose shelves had been cleared of anything that the techs could use.

The large window that looked out onto space on the other side of the room drew him like a moth to a flame. A light shove with his foot was all it took to bring him right there and touch the cool glass. He fumbled around for a minute, trying to find something to hold onto.

If he had been standing on solid ground, he would have jumped five feet in the air and knocked whoever was stupid enough to grab a Gundam pilot at unawares out cold for a few hours. As it was, he could do little more than resist the sudden grip on his arm and try to pull away from it while favoring his injured side.

"It's me, Quatre."

The adrenaline gradually seeped out of Quatre's body as he identified the owner of both the voice and the arm.

"Heero."

Now that his eyes were a bit more accustomed to the dark he could see the other pilot sitting on the little ledge just below the window, still in his space suit. He looked tired.

"The others ?" Heero asked softly, as if someone could eavesdrop.

"02 and 03 came by a while earlier. I didn't see 05 but I assume he is safe and around here somewhere."

Heero nodded once, his hand holding Quatre firmly in place and preventing him from drifting away. He noticed the needle held by tape, and the pouch.

"It's empty," he said.

"Is there anything we could put it in to make sure it won't drift away ?"

They found a small box that had a lid and that would have to do until they found a hazardous refuse container. Heero tugged on Quatre's arm to make him come closer and deftly extracted the needle. Quatre stuffed the whole thing into the box while Heero held onto him. The box itself was magnetized and stuck to the floor once put there.

"We could have died out there."

Quatre's voice held that edge of amazement again, making the sentence almost a question, and the arm encircling his waist tensed for a second, before allowing the Sandrock pilot to turn around and watch outside.

"We could have died every day," Heero whispered back.

"It wouldn't have been the same," Quatre said, shaking his head. "If we had died today it would have felt … unfair, for some reason."

MO-2 was now surrounded by a belt of wreckage. A passage had been cleared between the debris for the shuttles who brought the wounded back to Earth and carried competent staff to the satellite. Every now and then, there was a small explosion as the energy tank of a Leo blew up. It was dangerous business to be out there and salvage what was salvageable, only to have it destroyed afterwards. There were already victims of the peace in the small morgue.

"I thought I would die," Heero said as a closer explosion gave an orange glow to the room. "I didn't want to, but … it was a possibility."

Quatre gave a start, although it wasn't that perceptible in Zero-G and opened his mouth, only to be interrupted.

"It didn't happen. That's all that matters."

"Did Zero tell you something ?" Quatre asked.

Heero shook his head. Quatre shivered, burying his face in his hands, and he felt Heero's hold tightening on him until his head was resting on Heero's shoulder, his arms trapped between their bodies.

"I hate him," he muttered.

Heero's lips moved against his gaunt, clammy cheek.

"So do I."


	25. Odds Arc 2

**Title **: It won't have us  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1+/x4, 4+D  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #8 – Our own world  
**Rating **: M/R  
**Warnings **: Canon-ness, angsty, MO-2, spoiler for end of series. Sequel to #17, Odds.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

Dorothy found them just as they got out of the storeroom. Quatre was shivering, courtesy of shock, a slight fever and the too flimsy hospital gown that was his only garment, and Heero's arm around his waist was the only thing keeping him more or less upright in the zero-G sector.

They did not ask her anything, not how she had escaped her guard's surveillance, not why she was here now of all places and not trying to make a run for it while the general confusion on the satellite allowed her to. She didn't say anything either. Her eyes met Heero's for a second, and then she was by Quatre's side, gently lifting his left arm to place it around her shoulders and careful not to graze his injury with her space suit.

The 'walk' back to Quatre's room was awkward. Quatre was not exactly a dead weight, and he held onto both of his helpers as well as he could, but the gravity differences between the sectors were affecting him more than they had before, now that the anaesthetic and painkillers had worn off. The lopsided little group drew many a curious glance on their way.

Dorothy asked for a nurse through the intercom as soon as Quatre was back in bed and strapped. The young woman who answered the call didn't say a word as she changed the bloodied bandages. She and Heero then helped Quatre into a fresh gown, and the nurse left with the sweat-soaked one to dispose of it as was fit.

The silence could have been uncomfortable, but they let it stretch between the three of them for a few more minutes. There was nothing that really needed to be said.

It was Heero who asked.

"What are you going to do now ?"

Dorothy shrugged.

"Mr. Treize and Mr. Milliardo are gone. I am the last of the Libra's commanding officers. I would say it is a matter of what will be done with me rather than of what I will do."

"I don't think they would hold it against you …" Quatre started, but Dorothy interrupted him.

"The Gundam pilots are the heroes of the war, Quatre. Where there are heroes, you need to have villains. I'm quite ready to step forward and play the part."

"We're not heroes !" Quatre protested. He made a movement to sit up, but Heero's hand on his chest forced him to lie back down. The glare that followed was enough to deter any other attempt.

"Maybe you're not," Dorothy admitted. "But that's what they will make of you anyway. You cannot escape it anymore than I can. And I wonder … what would they think, if they knew how much you hate them ?"

"What ?" Quatre asked in a weak voice. Heero didn't speak, but Quatre felt the hand that still held him down tense up.

Dorothy smiled.

"Well, you do hate them, don't you ? Think about it, and you will see I'm right. You might have had a reason to fight, once upon a time, but the fact remains : you were tools, all of you. And when a tool becomes useless … 'Someone had to do it', they will say. They will build a picture of you, make you into heroes, so that they can look at you in the eyes and thank you, and they will never know how much you hate them for turning you into what they feared to become and looking the other way as they did it. This world you built with your blood, and the blood of so many, it won't have you."

Quatre closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It would have been easier if he had found it in himself to deny what she was saying. He could try, of course, but she would never believe it. She would know his words for what they were, lies.

"How cruel of you, Dorothy, to stab a man again when he's down," he choked out, his voice shaking in spite of his efforts.

"I thought you'd rather hear it from me," she answered. She came closer and put her hand next to Heero's, right on Quatre's heart. "But I want you to know one thing … If I had to do this all over again, then … I would do exactly the same thing."

Her hand slid lower and touched Quatre's bandaged side lightly.

"I know," Quatre said.

"Take care of yourself, Quatre Raberba Winner."

Quatre nodded.

"You too, Dorothy."

END OF THE ODDS ARC


	26. Peace Arc 1

**Title **: Rest in Peace (Fic #1 in the Peace Arc)  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: past 1xR, past unrequited 4+R, 4+1+4.  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #20 – the road home  
**Rating **: PG-13  
**Warnings **: angst, mentioned death, New Type-ness, Quatre POV. Fic #1 in the Peace Arc. Although this is a chronological sequel to #16 – She's Strong, and #12 – It's a Beautiful Day, they should be read in the order they were written.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

"Quatre ?" Heero had clearly not expected to find me here. 

But to be honest, I had not expected myself to be here either. I was in the neighborhood. It was a fine autumn day. I had not been on Earth for a while now, and I had intended to take advantage of it fully. Coming here had not been a part of my plans for the day. But once here, there was only one sensible thing to do. I bought a dozen of light pink and yellow roses from an old woman at the gate and came in. I had only visited the place once before, and at night, but my feet found the way again of their own volition.

Her tomb was a simple white marble stone on a patch of grass. No ridiculous monuments or carved statues sporting her face and angel wings. Just a stone that shone brightly under the sun. It was well tended, and almost disappeared behind a mass of fresh flowers. I spotted Dorothy's white lilies, Duo's sunflowers, Wufei's red azaleas, Une's pink carnations, and hundreds of other offerings from anonymous hands. My little roses wrapped in their brown paper seemed a poor gift, but I found a empty space for them and put them down, kneeling on the grass.

_Relena Darlian Peacecraft  
AC180 – AC228_

No one saw it coming. I myself was not informed of what had happened until after her death. Undetected brain aneurysm, the forensic pathologist said. Probably due to the stress of her position that might have increased her blood pressure to dangerous levels without any of us noticing. Suppositions. Our only certitude was that she had died fast and painlessly. She never even regained consciousness. She was probably dead even before she had hit the floor of her office. Dorothy had found her there only minutes later.

And now I was here, and her widower was standing just a few feet away from me, his eyes wide as if he were not sure that I was really here.

"I must be getting old," I said from where I was kneeling, a small smile on my lips. "I didn't hear you arrive."

He took a step in my direction. Just one.

"What are you doing here ?" he asked.

"I came to say goodbye," I said. "Like I should have two years ago."

"You didn't come to the funeral."

It was not an accusation. Not even a question. But I answered it anyway.

"No, I didn't. I didn't have the strength."

He already knew why I had not come. They all knew. I had collapsed just after her death was announced on TV. The sudden assault of grief coming from everywhere at the same time had literally knocked me out, and I had woken up days later, crying tears that were not mine. I had been out of commission for almost a month, trying to re-build my shattered shields as best as I could and to isolate my own numb pain from that of all the people around me.

"You loved her," he added.

I got up slowly and met his gaze without flinching.

"Of course I did. I loved both of you."

He was the first to look away.

"Loved ?" he said in a very soft voice.

I shook my head.

"I still do. It's not like I can stop."

We had not seen a lot of each other in the last two years, and whenever we met, I made sure that we were never alone. He had told me once that I was avoiding him. I had not denied it.

"Do you sometimes wonder …" I hesitated in the middle of my sentence, but there was no tactful way to say this. "Do you think that things might have been different … for us … if she hadn't been there ?"

"I don't know," he answered.

I smiled.

"I'm sorry, it was a stupid question."

I had never been able to choose between the two of them. The choice had been taken out of my hands, twice now.

"Don't you ever have regrets ?" he asked.

I shrugged.

"She never loved me as I loved her."

"I did," he said, and his eyes came to rest on the white stone and its bright flowers.

"Did ?"

It was his turn to hesitate.

"I still do," he eventually said.

I knelt down again and unwrapped my flowers from their brown paper, trying to arrange them as well as I could among the others. I probably would not be back for a while. Once I was done, I got up and brushed mud and dead leaves off my pants. Another ruined suit.

"We should go home," I sighed.

He did not move. He was staring at the white stone, at the name of his dead wife obscured by thousands of colorful petals.

"I don't know the way," he said.

I laughed and held out my hand to him.

"Neither do I."


	27. Peace Arc 2

**Title **: Pray for One, Pray for Two … (Fic #2 in the Peace Arc)  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: past 1xR, past unrequited 4+R, 1+4+1  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #6 – the space between dream and reality  
**Rating **: R  
**Warnings **: angst, mentioned death, Quatre POV, New Type-ness, post-EW (AC 230). Fic #2 in the Peace Arc. Although this is a chronological sequel to #16 – She's Strong, #12 – It's a Beautiful Day, and #20 – Rest in Peace, they should be read in the order they were written and not in chronological order.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me. The title comes from the lyrics of the song I listened to while writing, _Something in my Eyes_ from the Weiss Kreuz soundtrack.

**O.O.O.O**

"Make yourself at home," I said with an ironic smile.

I technically owned the whole apartment building, but I could count the nights I had spent in the penthouse on one hand. My schedule was so hectic that having a permanent residence was just wishful thinking anyway. All of my pieds-à-terre were tastefully and neutrally decorated. The only personal touch was held in a simple frame that always found its way to my bedside table, no matter where I was.

I toed my shoes off in the entrance hall and Heero did the same after a slight hesitation.

"I'll be right back," I said.

I left him in the living-room and went to drop my tie and jacket on my bed. I briefly debated changing clothes altogether, but decided not to. Someone I had loved for most of my life was dead, it had taken me two years to pay my respects, and her husband had literally stumbled on me while I did. Oh, and let's not forget our mutual admission that we still loved each other. Mud stains from her grave on the knees of my pants were hardly going to make the situation any tenser at this point.

Heero was sitting on the couch with his eyes closed, his own jacket abandoned on the armrest.

"Tea ?" I suggested. He never drank alcohol, and neither did I.

He nodded without opening his eyes, and I padded into the kitchen. I took my time to select a brew I knew we would both enjoy, and just stared at the two white mugs I had taken out of the cupboard while waiting for the water to simmer. I was stalling and I knew it. Heero knew it too, and I was grateful that he did not call me on it.

"Don't you have anything better to do ?" he asked when I finally came back into the living-room and handed him a steaming cup.

I shrugged and sank into the armchair with a weary smile.

"I was supposed to have dinner with President Andersen, but I'll call to cancel."

He frowned and took a sip of his tea.

"You're going to stand the elected President of the ESUN up."

"Yes."

"Why ?"

"Because I can. If he wants a dinner date with me that much, I'm pretty sure we can reschedule. He's intelligent enough to remember who he owes his political career to. He likes staying on my good side."

"That's not what I meant," he said softly, looking straight at me over the brim of his mug.

"I know," I sighed, and he let it slide. Again.

Neither of us spoke for a while. We just drank our tea and pretended very hard that we were not acutely aware of each other's presence, that we did not feel the weight of her gaze on us. The silence was so thick that when Heero eventually put his empty cup down on the coffee table, the scrape of porcelain on wood made me give a start. He glanced at me quizzically, and I laughed nervously. I could feel the tension in the room like an electric current running on my skin. It had always been special, with the two of them. No one else could put me on edge quite like that.

Had I chosen to pursue only one of them back then, I probably would have succeeded. But I had refused to make that choice. They had made it for me, by choosing each other, and I was not bitter or jealous even for a second. They had never made light of my feelings for them, and in turn I never allowed it to interfere in what was the closest friendship I had ever experienced with anyone. I was more than happy to remain a bachelor. I never lacked willing partners if the need arose, and there was no great pressure for me to get married and produce an heir, since I could pick one among my eighty nephews and nieces quite easily.

It had worked for us. And then she had died.

"Is it what it was supposed to be like ?" Heero asked in a whisper.

"What ?"

"Peace."

"… I don't know," I ended up saying. "I guess so."

"I didn't know it would be that …" He stopped, at a loss for words.

"Painful ?" I offered.

He smiled grimly and patted the couch at his side.

"We're too old for this," he said. "Come here."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and put my cup down next to his, slowly moving from my armchair to the couch. I did not know what to do with myself as I sat down next to him, but he solved the problem by putting his arm around my shoulders, making me lean on him. I felt his fingers rubbing my arm and I realized I was cold.

"I … I miss her," I said very low, not looking at him.

"I know."

I scooted closer to him and he held me tighter. I could feel his heart beating as fast as mine. It did not show on his face, though, and all he did was kiss the top of my head as I made myself comfortable against him, suddenly weary. Going to the cemetery seemed to have taken more out of me than what I had thought.

"She wouldn't mind this, would she ?" I asked.

I felt his smile against my skin.

"No … I don't think she would."


	28. Peace Arc 3

**Title **: She's strong (Fic #3 in the Peace Arc)  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1+R, 4+R, 1+4+1  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #16 – invincible ; unrivaled  
**Rating **: PG  
**Warnings **: angst, Quatre POV, New Type-ness, spoilers for the Blind Target story line, expansion on the control room scene in the Target-04 chapter. Fic #3 in the Peace Arc. While this technically is a prequel to both #20 – Rest in Peace and #6 – Pray for One, Pray for Two … in terms of timeline, you should read those two before you read this one.  
Also, please note that I'm working from my own French copy of the Blind Target manga and translating the lines myself. If you notice some discrepancies with the official English version, that's why.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

"Trowa said you wanted to talk to me …" 

I managed to say this with a steady voice, in spite of the exhaustion I could feel weighing down on me. I had come out of the explosion physically unscathed, but my shields had not been ready for the empathic backlash. I had had little choice but to clamp down and try to hold everything in until I could rest, and it was wearing me down. At this point, I didn't even know if I had lashed out at Ralph Kurt out of legitimate grief for the unnecessary death of so many people, or out of mental pain I knew was there but refused to let myself feel for fear of completely blacking out.

Add to that the tongue-lashing that Wufei had seen fit to give me when I had least expected it, and my nerves were frayed beyond recognition.

It was the same for all of us, I knew it. The last hours had been tiring for everyone, and we were all trying to cope in our own ways – Trowa by confronting his ex-partner, Duo by happily destroying what was left of the White Fang shuttle's mainframe, and Wufei by helpfully pointing out to me that I was trying a bit too hard not to cope. The fact that he was right had not exactly helped to improve my mood. If anything, it had increased my confusion as to how I was supposed to deal with the whole mess without breaking down.

I hadn't seen a lot of Heero ever since we had arrived, and I wasn't in any hurry to change that. He had always been way too good at assessing my state of mind at a glance. I hadn't exactly gone out of my way to avoid him, but somehow my tasks had not required me to be in the same room with him and I had been just fine with that. Yet I couldn't very well ignore the message that Trowa had passed on to me …

I had to settle for counting my blessings and being glad the lights were turned off and Heero was facing away from me when I came in. He did not even turn around when I spoke.

"I'm not the one who's going to talk," he just said, and he switched the central screen on.

I suddenly found myself bathed in light and gave a start. It took me a few seconds to realize that what was showing was a live feed from one of the surveillance cameras.

"_Miss Relena, do you really believe that the Earth and the colonies can coexist in peace ?"_

"_Yes, Chris, I do believe so."_

I felt like all the air had been punched out of me.

I had no idea of what it was that made me angry, or even if I actually was angry. He had manipulated me into coming here just to show me this, that much was obvious. And I hadn't seen it coming. What was worse was that I'd honestly believed that I could fool him and hold the pretense for a while longer as long as I didn't spend too much time in his company. If I could just find some time to rest and strengthen my shields, everything would be back to normal before he could even notice it, I'd thought.

In retrospect, I didn't even understand what kind of reasoning had led me to think it was a good idea. As if I could hide anything from him, of all people … Maybe I was just angry that I'd been caught.

I _had_ gone out of my way to avoid her. Not because I didn't want to see her, but because I was aware that I was on a very short fuse and I hated being in such an unpredictable and volatile mood. It was simpler not to talk to her, rather than saying something that I knew I would regret later on. I knew that the others had found it weird. We had both been attacked because we were public figureheads, we had both had people hurt or killed because of us, and yet here I was doing my best to not be around her and hoping against all odds that no one would notice.

"You knew …" I whispered almost accusingly.

I had come closer to the screen almost against my will, close enough to touch it, and I had to turn my head to glare at Heero. He just looked back for a few seconds, then shrugged.

"Of course I knew," he said, and went back to watching the conversation as if he'd been planning to all along.

"_Chris, I beg you, help me !_"

"_I don't know if I can …_"

"_You who have known despair should know that you are the ones who can show the greatest kindness, Chris._"

I could feel tears prickling my eyes but I stubbornly refused to let them out. Heero froze the feed and left me staring at a close-up of Relena's face. I almost held out my hand to touch it, but something held me back. I took a deep breath instead, and tried to swallow the lump in my throat.

"Why did you do that to me ?" I asked.

"You know why," he just answered.

And with those three words I felt the tension that had been threatening to overwhelm me slowly bleed out of my body like poison seeping from a wound. I knew I would feel physical symptoms for a while more, but the pounding headache had been reduced to a buzz, and it didn't feel quite that hard to breathe now. I closed my eyes and hid my face in my hands.

"I don't know how you do that, both of you," I said with a weak laugh. "She always says the right thing, you always do the right thing … Between the two of you, I don't even know why I bother."

I opened my eyes again to look at the screen, and this time my fingers brushed against it almost of their own volition. She hadn't even been speaking to me, and yet …

"She's … Relena's really strong. I can't even hold a candle to her. I almost forgot a very important thing. It takes a lot of courage to forgive."

"Quatre …"

"Don't," I interrupted. "Just … don't say it. I really appreciate what you've done, Heero, but for the record, I'm still mad at you … I think … and I don't want to hear it right now."

"This isn't about whether you want to hear it or not," Heero almost snapped. "You _need_ to talk to her."

I shook my head. There were some things on which I just wasn't ready to give in.

"That choice isn't mine to make, Heero."

He turned around to switch the screen off.

"You don't _want_ to choose. But like it or not, Quatre, it's still a choice you're making."


	29. Peace Arc 4

**Title **: It's a Beautiful Day (Fic #4 in the Peace Arc)  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: 1xR, unrequited 4+R, 4/R friendship, 1+4+1  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #12 – in a good mood  
**Rating **: PG  
**Warnings **: angst, character death. Fic #4 in the Peace Arc. While this is a chronological prequel to both #20 – Rest in Peace and #6 – Pray for One, Pray for Two … and a sequel to #16 – She's Strong in terms of timeline, you should read those three before you read this one.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys and girls belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O**

_AC 228_

Dorothy lightly knocked on the open door but didn't wait for an answer and came in.

"Miss Relena ? Here are the files you requested."

Relena put the report she was reading down and beamed at her.

"Thank you, Dorothy. Tell me, did Quatre call to confirm the dates of his next stay with us ? I think he was supposed to do it either yesterday or today ..."

"He would be more likely to call your direct line to do it, Miss Relena," Dorothy said as she carefully put the stack of files down on the desk.

Relena frowned and bit her bottom lip. Her hand automatically reached out to grab the engraved pen that Quatre had given her when she had been appointed Foreign Minister. Dorothy had never seen her use the pen for any actual writing, but Relena often played with it when she was nervous or concerned.

"I take it that he didn't call," Dorothy surmised.

"No, he didn't. I suppose he didn't try to call the main line either ?"

Dorothy shook her head.

"I'm sorry, Miss Relena, he didn't, and you know that if he had left a message, it would have been given to me and I would have forwarded it to you as soon as possible."

Relena sighed, fingers still nervously fumbling with the pen.

"I know his schedule is probably as busy as mine. He'll probably call at some point today," she said.

"Maybe he tried to call you at home, Miss Relena," Dorothy cut in. "You're so rarely there these days that you might have missed him."

Relena winced at the very thinly veiled reprimand, but let it slide.

"The caller ID didn't show his number and there were no messages, Dorothy."

Dorothy smiled a bit smugly, but didn't comment on the fact that while the Foreign Minister spent more time in her office than at home lately, the first thing she did when she got home was to check the caller ID to see if Quatre Winner had called.

"Well, you can always ask Mr. Yuy if he didn't call this morning, Miss Relena."

"Heero is here ?" Relena asked, surprised. "Why didn't you show him in right away, Dorothy ?"

Dorothy shrugged.

"I wanted to deliver those files to you first, and then you asked me if Mr. Winner had called, Miss Relena. I didn't even have the time to mention your husband before you changed the subject."

Relena blushed furiously at the innuendo, but laughed and carefully returned the pen to its holder. Dorothy took this as her cue to go and fetch Heero from the waiting room. Heero and Relena had been married for close to thirty years now, but the ex-gundam pilot never barged into his wife's office unannounced. He always stopped at Dorothy's desk and asked her to tell Relena he was here. If she was in a meeting, he would either wait for her to come out or leave a message and stop by again later. It didn't matter that Relena would drop everything just to see him for a few moments, since their respective occupations kept them apart for much of the day.

Relena was busy smoothing invisible wrinkles on her suit when Dorothy came back with Heero in tow. Her whole face lightened up when she saw her husband. She started to get up, but he beat her to it and walked around her desk to kiss her on the cheek.

"Don't get up, I'm only checking in," he said, gently pushing her back down in her chair.

"Can I get you something, Mr. Yuy ?" Dorothy asked from the door.

"No, thank you, Dorothy. I'll only be a few minutes."

Dorothy nodded and left, closing the door as she went.

"Did something happen ?" Relena asked.

She stopped herself just short of reaching for the pen again, but Heero had noticed it and snatched it before she could say anything. She smiled when he did. She always messed with the pen when something was bothering her, but Heero just liked to spin it around while he talked with her.

"Une called," Heero said. "I need to go to Luxembourg for the day, and I might not be back tonight. I just wanted to let you know."

"You could just have called ..."

Heero raised an eyebrow, and Relena looked down, embarrassed.

"I mean, I'm happy to see you, of course !", she said hurriedly. "I just wouldn't want you to run late, or anything and ... Oh, by the way, did Quatre call you to tell you when he'd come to see us ?"

The pen stopped spinning.

"He didn't call you ?" Heero asked. "I thought he was supposed to arrange it with you."

"I'm guessing he forgot, or he just didn't have the time. Maybe you could try calling him on the way to Luxembourg, or maybe send him an e-mail to remind him we're still waiting for his answer. I'm sure it just slipped his mind."

"Probably," Heero said, putting the pen back down, but he didn't sound very convinced. "I'll do that. And I'll call you tonight if I can't get back."

"Good ! Do you need to leave right now ?"

"My shuttle takes off in forty minutes."

Relena looked disappointed, but shrugged it off, like she did any minor annoyances.

"Alright. Be careful, then," she said, getting up to hug him.

"You too," he said, hugging her back and tucking a lock of hair that had escaped her ponytail behind her ear.

"I'm going to be stuck here all day," Relena said ironically. "Not a very dangerous place to be in."

"I'm not so sure about that," he answered, a bit more seriously than she would have liked. "Some times, it feels like it's going to swallow you whole and I won't see you again."

Relena laughed and rolled her eyes, pressing the intercom button.

"Dorothy, could you please escort Heero out ?"

"_Certainly, Miss Relena_."

"I know the way out," Heero pointed out.

"Safety procedures," Relena reminded him, with a tap on his nose for good measure. "You of all people should know about those, shouldn't you ?"

Another light knock on the door, and Dorothy once again came in without waiting for an answer.

"Mr. Yuy, if you'll follow me ..."

"Make sure that she gets home at a reasonable hour, Dorothy," Heero said sternly.

Relena gasped and hit him on the shoulder, but both Heero and Dorothy ignored her.

"Anything else, Mr. Yuy ?"

"Yes. Make sure she doesn't bring any work home. You have my permission to do a full body-search if you feel it's warranted."

"Stop that, you two !" Relena said with mock-indignation. "I'm not working _that_ much !"

They both looked at her quizzically, and she had to burst out laughing at the identical disbelieving expressions on their faces.

"Alright, maybe I am, but it's my job !", she said. "Now shoo ! You're going to be late and Dorothy's got work to do !"

"Do you need anything while I'm here, Miss Relena ?" Dorothy asked.

"If you'd be so kind as to bring me back a cup of tea ..."

"Of course, Miss Relena."

Relena was still grinning as she sat back down. Now if only Quatre would call, she would only need to concern herself with her reports for the rest of the day.

She had only read a few lines when she began to feel dizzy. Dorothy wasn't back yet, and since she was escorting Heero out she wouldn't be back for another few minutes. Relena decided to take a short break and go the bathroom to wash her face. This was probably just fatigue. Her workload had increased tremendously in the last months, and while she wasn't always ready to admit it, both Heero and Dorothy were right when they said that she was working herself to the ground. But work didn't do itself in government offices. Quatre could understand that, and he was handling his corporation on top of his political activities as well. Sometimes she didn't know how he managed.

She lost consciousness as soon as she got up, her strength evading her like a candle being blown out. She had already stopped breathing by the time she fell on the ornate Persian rug.


	30. Peace Arc 5

**Title **: Legacy (Fic #5 in the Peace Arc)  
**Author **: Dùlin  
**Pairing **: D+1, D+R, 1+4, 1+R+1  
**Fandom **: Gundam Wing  
**Theme **: #25 –fence  
**Rating **: PG  
**Warnings **: angstiness, politics, Dorothy POV, spoilers for Battlefield of Pacifists (some lines from the manga are used verbatim). Fic #5 in the Peace Arc.  
While this is a chronological prequel to #16 – She's Strong, #12 – It's a Beautiful Day, #20 – Rest in Peace and #6 – Pray for one, pray for two ..., they should be read in the order they were written and not in chronological order.  
**Disclaimer **: Those yummy boys and girls belong to Sunrise and Bandai. Which are not me.

**O.O.O.O **

"The remnants of Oz want my grandfather's legacy," I said, turning around after a last glance at my cousin's empty grave. The roses were blood red, not the kind he would have chosen for himself, but they suited me. He would have to deal with a young girl's fancy.

"A legacy ?" Heero asked. He was not scowling, not really, but he was staring at me with an intensity that I would have found disturbing had I not been used to it. "What are we talking about ?"

"The Urkanus, of course."

"Can you tell me more about the Urkanus ?"

"You will never change, Heero," I laughed, taking a seat in front of him and pouring myself a cup of tea.

He had never been one for social niceties, but his presence here both unnerved and excited me. He was the one who had initiated our meeting by calling me, and now he had accepted to stay the night because it was raining, a pretext if I had ever seen one.

My ties with Romefeller had been severed on the day I decided to join White Fang. I had not lied to Heero when I had told him that I had no means of knowing of their activities, if they still had any. By a capricious twist of fate, the ESUN's capitulation had triggered the destruction of the old Romefeller and spared me, of all people. My current connections allowed me to live a secluded life on my family estate, and I had been granted the right to inherit all of my family's financial assets, which was a lot more than most ex-Romefeller members could claim. I had no doubts that they would not contact me should they ever attempt to rebuild the organization.

Luckily for me, and for Heero, ex-Oz soldiers did not have such qualms about me. My cousin had always chosen his men wisely.

"I do not know very much, actually," I said, seeping my tea. "Just what Tsuberov said to my grandfather. I know that troops were dispatched to the asteroid belt to find new sources of energy. Then, White Fang declared war on the Earth Sphere and they were called back. No one knows what became of the project after that and Oz's fleet was dismantled ... except for one unit."

"First time I hear that."

He had not touched his own cup. His whole attention was focused on me.

"I only heard about it recently myself, when they contacted me. Their captain asked me about the Urkanus."

"And ?"

I shrugged.

"This is all I know."

"The ESUN didn't try to contact this captain ?"

"Why would they ? No one knows if the Urkanus is real, after all."

"And if it is, what then ?" he asked.

"Things are going to get interesting," I answered with a smile.

"Dorothy ?"

"I wonder ..." I mused. "Did Zechs and Treize's fight really bring peace into the hearts of people ? I'd like to see that question answered. But first, I have a question for you, Heero. Why did you not contact Miss Relena ? She has access to a lot more information than I do."

He did not flinch away from the question. He did not even look away, just stared at me.

"She doesn't have access to the kind of info I'm looking for," he said, matter-of-factly, as if it explained everything.

"Maybe not. But she would help you out of the goodness of her heart. Unfortunately, that is not my case, Heero. I do not give out my information for free, and you have been less than forthcoming with what _you_ know."

"What do you mean ?"

"My network might be significantly smaller than it used to be, but it is still in activity," I smirked. "They intercepted an interesting piece of news yesterday. Something about a desert prince not coming back from his adventures."

"You're in contact with Hilde Schbeiker ?"

"You do not actually expect me to answer that, do you ?"

He smiled, a small, sarcastic smile that mirrored my own. I sometimes thought we understood a lot more of each other than we were comfortable with. I had not realized until this moment how much it must have cost him to come to me for help. He had been expecting a bargain, but not this one.

The light flickered as a particularly bright bolt of lightning hit the electrical lines outside.

"What are you going to do ?" I asked, my voice softened by the realization that he was here because he had not seen any other way. "Are you going to tell her ?"

"Not if I can help it," was his answer.

"She cares about him as much as you do. It is not fair to keep it from her."

"There's nothing she can do about it anyway. She'll get more done if she doesn't get involved in this."

"You're making the decision alone, Heero."

"Someone has to," he said, and I do not think I was imagining the bitterness in his voice.

"Our Quatre is a stubborn little thing, isn't he ?" I said lightly. "I do not think he will ever change either. I just hope this will not prove to be his demise. I did not manage to kill him, and I would hate for anyone else to do it. Especially a bunch of would-be pacifists whose theories are so full of holes that it is a wonder they have any following at all. Miss Relena might have looked like an idealist to me, but at least she had something to back it up. So did Quatre."

Heero did not answer this time. He got up and made to leave the room. I wondered if he would not have left the house altogether had he not accepted to stay the night.

"Good night, Heero. Your room is on the second floor, third door on your right."

I waited for a few seconds after he had left before I got up too and picked up the phone. Heero had made his decision. I had made mine. Being physically confined in here, even willingly, could get a little boring after a while.

"Hello, this is Dorothy Catalonia. I am sorry to disturb you at such a late hour. I would like to speak to the Vice Foreign Minister, please."

END OF THE PEACE ARC


End file.
